A Voltz' Christmas Special - Eight Crazy Nights

- -

Alec: (lying in his bed, mask already on, just waiting for the next ghost to arrive, just as he's about to fall asleep, bright lights flood his room) "Ugh! Christ, are you trying to blind me?!"

??: "Ah geez, sorry 'bout that kid. Okay boys, turn down the background lights, ya turned them up too high."

Alec: "Wait a minute…I know that New York voice…there's only one man I know who can talk like that while giving direction…"

??: "Okay boys, give me a slow zoom-in shot, watch the focus and slowly raise the hairlight as I step in, got it? Good!" (the figure steps inside as Alec gets out of bed and walks up to this silhouette, who is considerably shorter than Alec by at least a foot.) "Okay, I'm in place, turn up the fill light!" (a light shines on revealing-)

Alec: "Martin Scorsese…"

Martin Scorsese: "Yessiree kid."

Alec: "Wait a minute…you're not dead."

Martin Scorsese: "And thank God am I grateful for that."

Alec: "So then I assume that you're supposed to be my Ghost of Christmas Present?"

Martin Scorsese: "Bingo."

Alec: "Look, this is really nothing more than a pale excuse for me to review some sh*tty Holiday movies, today's review being one based around the Jewish holiday, can we just speed this up-"

Martin Scorsese: "Ah, ah, ah, you can't rush good art kid! Come, let's see some of your companions and what they're doing today!…and cut. Good, print and match cut to him and I in an plane."

Alec: "Match cut in a plane? What are you-"

-one editing transition later-

Alec: (now sitting in an airliner, drink in one hand and peanuts in another) "what- huh? Woah…you really are a master of cinema."

Martin Scorsese: (sitting next to Alec on the plane) "Now that's being too modest, I could list hundreds before me that I'd call masters."

Alec: "Would Fritz Lang be one of them?"

Martin Scorsese: "Absolutely."

Alec: "Awesome. Hey wait, why are we even in a plane? Couldn't you have just match-cut my window tot he window of one of my friends?"

Martin Scorsese: "I could have, but then I wouldn't have been able to do this." (he pulls out an American Express card)

Alec: "Wait…what?"

Johnny Zealous: (pops up behind Martin Scorsese wearing a Virgin Airlines t-Shirt)

Alec: "Oh no…you're doing a commercial plug-in with the biggest corporate whore on my side of the Internet!"

Cameraman: "And rolling."

Martin Scorsese: (speaking directly to the camera) "Sometimes, there are places ya gotta go to pick up the right shots ya need."

Johnny Zealous: "And when you need to those places in comfort and ease, Virgin Airlines is there for you."

Martin Scorsese: "And how else do you expect to pay off that plane ticket? With the American Express, make life rewarding!"

Johnny Zealous: "Virgin Airlines, a brand new airline dedicated to making flying good again!"

Cameraman: "And cut."

Martin Scorsese: "Good, now get another angle from the lower right so the audience can see the American Express properly and get another one after that of Mr. Zealous with his shoulders, and after that-"

Alec: "AGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" (he gets out of his seat and runs to the bathrooms and locks himself in) "F*ck me, if I'm gonna be stuck on an airplane with One of the greatest filmmakers of all time and a human commercial plug-in, I might as well at least do what I planned to do and nitpick a terrible movie…"

- -

*Before I begin this review, I'd like to acknowledge that, yes, the Nostalgia Critic already reviewed this movie, but as I wrote in a previous journal entry, after seeing Doug's actual review, I decided to tackle the movie to actually focus on the content itself rather than make sketches that go on past the point that we already got the joke.*

Released in 2002 under the direction of Seth Kearsley ("The Looney Tunes Show")  on a budget of $34 million with distribution from Columbia Pictures; "Eight Crazy Nights" is an animated musical "comedy" starring everybody's favorite hated actor: Adam Sandler in a movie about the holiday Chanukkah. Of course, good readers, you're probably wondering why I would choose to review a movie about Chanukkah when I am a Christian and therefore celebrate Christmas. Well, for starters, you clearly haven't read the previous Anti-Christmas reviews I've done before which means you'll need to get caught up to date. In which case, links are down below. Secondly, I want to really take a good look and describe why there are so many Christmas movies or Christmas specials that exist yet movies about Chanukkah seem almost nonexistent in the public eye. To properly understand this, we need to understand what Chanukkah is and how it got started. Just a fair warning in advance, for any Jewish readers out there, if I happen to get anything wrong while writing this, I apologize and would ask that you correct me in the comments below so that we can all be united by knowledge rather than misunderstanding. Okay? Here we go.

Chanukkah's origins begins during the reign of Alexander the Great who conquered many civilizations and countries, but he ensured that the people who lived in these lands would have the freedom to worship any god they believed in, be it polytheism or monotheism or pantheism or Scientology for Dummies. A century later, some mean nasty pain in the patookus named Antiochus IV took control of the region of the Middle East region and began to oppress the Jews through slaughter, temple desecrating, and enforcing anti-semitic laws. Eventually, people got sick of his bobbymyseh and an uprising led by Mattathias the Hasmonean, his son Judah Maccabee and a group who called themselves the Chasidim rose up and revolted against the amoretz. They succeeded and they reclaimed their Temple. But a predicament arose for the Jews, inside their temple was a menorah, a candelabra that holds nine candles, and this menorah required oil for the fire to burn throughout the night for every night in the temple. When Antiochus and the Greeks left, they took a lot of the oil with them, leaving the Jews with only enough oil for one day, talk about a fercockt situation.
But, by some miracle which even science has yet to explain, the menorah candles continued to burn despite the limited oil and they continued to burn for eight days until more oil could be secured for the menorah. This was declared a miracle and a festival was established to commemorate this miracle. You might try to be "that guy" and ask why they didn't make a holiday commemorating fighting off their oppressors, well, according to Judaism 101: "Jews do not glorify war." Not like us Americans, making national holidays to commemorate people fought in wars.
So, the tradition goes that every year, depending on the Jewish calendars, the Jewish people light one candle a night to commemorate the eight days they burned (the middle candle is used to light the others from left to right). I'm not sure exactly what it all leads up to, but that's all you need to do apparently for eight nights. During that time, or so it says on Judaism 101, the Jewish people eat fried foods (remember the oil? It's important in cooking too), they play games with spinning tops called driedels that have the Hebrew letters Nun, Gimel, Hei and Shin, meant to refer to the miracle of the oil, but how the game works is this: the letters represent whether you receive nothing, receive all of the prize, receive half the prize or you have to put something into the pot (be it money or candy, it depends on who plays the game.)
And, that's the best I can understand about the holiday, I'm still a fuzzy about where the exchanging of gifts for eight days comes from as it apparently isn't an official tradition but one that was established cause of Christians and their religion about giving people presents. But if you want more, I suggest checking out jewfaq.org or go to a temple to ask some actual Jews cause, regrettably, I do not know where to find any in the Seattle area. I know where to find Morons, hell, they have a temple built right across the street from where my church is. You probably would never even notice us if you didn't drive by and saw the sign at the turn-off to go in- but moving on.

So now that you have an understanding for the holiday, it's time to delve into the fertummelt that is Adam Sandler.

Adam Sandler was born from the family of an electrical engineer and nursery school teacher, he attended New york university where he did stand-up around the campus before graduating in 1988. In 1990, with help from comedian Dennis Miller (who is not as amusing you may be lead to believe unless you like Bill O'Reily and any sane person would turn off their TV the minute he comes on), Sandler was hired on to perform and write for Saturday Night Live, the late-night program that practically introduced America to the majority of the comedians we love and loathe today, in 1990. While most people know Sandler for writing songs on the show, including "The Chanukah Song" but I prefer to think better of Adam Sandler for the SNL fake commercial he did with Chris Farley for a fake beer ad called "Schmitt's Gay" (you can probably tell what the joke is) and his appearance for the "Total Bastards Airlines" sketch (which starred David Spade, Mike Meyers, Chris Farley, you name it). Eventually, by 1995, Adam Sandler appeared in his second movie that he co-wrote and thus can be held responsible for, "Billy Madison," which also was the same year Saturday Night Live let Sandler go (they must have foresaw what disaster he would bring if they kept him). what followed was a slew of movies that are perfect to watch when you're 12 years old and you want your kids to immediately feel guilty for even laughing at the horrible jokes well into their adulthood (I'm still trying trying to tell myself at nights that "Little Nicky" was never as funny as I was led to believe), "Bulletproof" with Damon Wayans, "Happy Gilmore" (which I will only defend one scene in the movie where Bob Barker, former host of "The Price is Right," beats the sh*t out of Adam Sandler, admit it, you all feel happy to see Barker lay the beatdown on Sandler), "The Wedding Singer," "The Waterboy," "Little Nicky," "Big Daddy," "Mr. Deeds," Oh God, literally thinking about all these movies is causing my gut to churn in pain…no wait, that's just gas. I'd make a fart joke, but that would require me to actually stoop to Sandler's level of making the same movie over and over again: an unlikable character that Sandler insists we are supposed to like, doing something selfless for selfish reasons, wins a girl without even really earning her and the obvious bad guy get his comeuppance in the end. Wash, rinse, repeat.

But then, something happened in 2002.
In the same year Sandler stared in "Mr. Deeds" and "Eight Crazy Nights," he starred in another movie that is so unlike Adam Sandler that it's the black sheep of his career and yet, it's the best performance the man ever gave in his entire career.

That movie was "Punch-Drunk Love," a dark romantic comedy written and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson, who is better known for his outstanding movies you HAVE to see before you die: "Boogie Nights" and "There Will Be Blood."
Anderson did something that nobody ever expected, he took a guy like Adam Sandler who had already established what kind of character he tends to play but it made this kind of character interesting and surprisingly likable and very sympathetic, without having to contrive it. Sandler plays a guy named Barry, who plays a shy yet sweet man with a serious anger problem brought on by constant abuse from his seven sisters (as one scene shows they call him "gayboy" while mocking him, you see that Sandler Character wants so badly to make them stop, but he must keep up the false image of an "average human being").
It's such an incredibly moving performance that it's amazing that P.T. Anderson even managed to get Adam Sandler to say yes if he wanted to take the role. Audiences and critics alike were also shocked to find this side of Adam Sandler that he hadn't showed and the demand for Sandler rose through.
Remember that Michael Mann movie "Collateral?" Even though Tom Cruise impressed audiences by playing totally against type and playing the villain, but the real break-out star for that movie was Jamie Foxx. Yet, Michael Mann originally wanted Adam Sandler in the role of the taxi driver. Remind me, what was Sandler doing that he that he said no?
"50 First Dates" and "Splangish." You really know how to pick out the important roles Sandler.
Oh, well, Sandler was also on the shortlist of actors to play Willy Wonka in Tim Burton's "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory."
And Sandler's schedule for 2005 was like?
"The Longest Yard" remake and "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo." I think I threw up a little in my mouth…
Oh yeah, and in 2009, Sandler turned down the chance to star as Donny Donowitz in Quentin Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" to star in another movie by a filmmaker I want to see rammed into a tree from a car crash; Judd Apatow with the contrived comedy "Funny People," which I would like to take the time to mention, "Funny People" cost $75 million to make the movie and it failed $4million short at the box office, while Tarantino, who spent $70 million for "Inglourious Basterds" received $321 million.

What is the point I'm trying to make with this?

Adam Sandler WASTED his chance.

He WASTED the opportunity to be taken seriously in Hollywood, he could done what comedians like Mo'Nique ("Precious"), Jim Carrey ("The Truman Show"), Steve Carrell ("Little Miss Sunshine"), Bill Murray ("Lost In Translation") have done and manage to be funny but also give truly career-changing turns and shocked audiences by showing off a level of depth that people never suspected you could get from comedians. Sandler could have done this but instead, went the easy route and chose rolls that he could bullsh*t his way through and not even remotely try, as he has no doubt been proving with his recent box office hits "You Don't Mess With The Zohan," "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry," "Bedtime Stories," "Jack and Jill," "Just Go With It," "That's My Boy," "Grown-Ups" and "Grown-Ups 2," Sandler has truly stopped giving a crap and is only interested in making 12 year olds and dumb people who dropped out of high school to work cleaning out crap that runs out of your septic tanks laugh.

This is what's so pathetic about Adam Sandler, I loathe Adam Sandler for his smugness, I despise Adam Sandler for his "holier than thou" attitude the characters are written for him, I abhor Adam Sandler for clearly putting no creative or even a second thought in his movies to even make his movies be for audiences who want to laugh and have their laughter be something earned instead of contrived by having a guy shoot an arrow in his foot, or talking with a stupid accent or having a deer piss in your face,

So good job Adam Sandler, you had the Golden Gates of Hollywood Valhalla open up for you and you just turned away, took a sh*t on the stairs and then ran back the way you came and then went on to be a general jackass.

Fun fact: Adam Sandler was rated #10 Most Overpaid Actors from Forbes.com, literally getting $3.40 for ever dollar you spent to see "Grown-Ups 2." Meaning if you saw "Grown-Ups 2" this summer, depending on the theater you went to, you just gave Adam Sandler around $50 per ticket. Which would mean, if my calculations are right, Adam Sandler received $839,746,545.02 from every dollar paid by the 12 year olds who saw this movie.

and there you have it folks, Adam Sandler sucks and the fact that THIS is the only movie people think about when it comes to the Jewish holiday, is simply shameful.
Shame on you America, shame on you Adam Sandler and shame on you Happy Madison for defacing the Jewish religion with a movie that contains deer that lick the frozen sh*t off a human ballsack.

….wasn't I supposed to be doing a review of this movie?

Um…the characters suck, the story has potential but gets f*cked over by gross-out humor that would make the Farrelly Brothers shake their heads and I'd be honest in saying the songs don't really annoy me that badly…so…yeah I guess the only thing to say is, there is some gold under this huge steaming pile of deer sh*t, but the prize is so small, you might as well should just keep walking on and go get the gold at the end of "Punch-Drunk Love."

Basically, f*ck this movie, go watch "Punch-Drunk Love."

- -

Alec: (finally leaves the bathroom as he sees a half dozen women wearing outfits similar to the ones worn by Scarlett O'Hara with acrobats swinging behind Johnny and Martin) "What the flying sh*t? Are you still shooting for a commercial?!"

Johnny Zealous: "Yeah! Mr. Scorsese thought the frame behind us looked too empty so he had the stewardesses put on these costumes."

Alec: "And these acrobats?"

Martin Scorsese: "Apparently the pilots use to perform in the circus before they joined they got their pilot license."

Alec: "Hold on…if the pilots are here…who's flying the plane?"

Johnny Zealous: "uh…" (suddenly the plane starts to go down) "WAGH! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING! I DON'T EVEN HAVE LIFE INSURANCE!"

Alec: "Mr. Scorsese! Do something!"

Martin Scorsese: "Hey Hank! Think ya can get a good low angle to see our terror?"

Alec: "MARTY!"

Martin Scorsese: "Oh, yeah, hold on a minute." (he calmly adjusts his tie and his glasses) "Okay, now zoom in on that kid's mask, do a 360 shot, zoom out and then cut."

Alec: "HOW WILL THAT HELP?!?"

Martin Scorsese: "It'll be disorienting to the audience and it'll really put them in your shoes."

Alec: "WE'RE FALLING FROM LORD KNOWS HOW MANY FEET IN THE AIR! I THINK THEY'LL BE DISORIENTED ANYWAY!"

Martin Scorsese: "Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Action!"

Alec: "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" (the camera does spin around Alec's head, but suddenly, at the 180 point of the camera spin, the location suddenly changes as the camera finishes it's 360 sweep) "UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUhh?" (Alec looks around and realizes that he, Johnny, Martin and everyone who was on board the plane are safely on the ground.) "Wha- how- how did you do that?"

Martin Scorsese: "Like I said, it's not that hard. I just used the back of your head and, during edit, match-cut the back of your head to us safely on the ground, an easy technique of using your head to place us on the ground instead of in the air."

Alec: "But…what about the airplane?"

Martin Scorsese: "Eh, I'm sure it'll land somewhere secluded."

-meanwhile-

Jarvisrama99: (sitting in his house eating pretzels when a huge crash is heard) "What the-" (he steps outside to find a huge plane has crashed in his neighborhood) "Oh My God…I'm lucky that thing didn't land on my house." (he goes back into the house, ignoring the screams of his neighbors while munching on pretzels)

-back to what could loosely be called 'the narrative'-

Alec: "So…weren't we supposed to see what my companions were doing since you are supposed to be the Ghost of Christmas Present?"

Martin Scorsese: "Eh, I've already got too much footage to work with and I gotta get back to the editing bay. You might as well come to ya own conclusions what ya fellow critics are doin'."

Alec: "Um, okay…uh…" (inexplicably, a visual image pops up with each description) "HailtotheChimp is at a party hoping for terrorists to barge in so he could re-create Die Hard, which sadly won't happen much to his disappointment…um, Nukid101 is probably trying to build a wall while firing canon cannons at Titans…Phan2Angel7 is hosting the preliminaries for Death Battle 2014…Dim432-"

Dim432: (breaking the fourth wall) "The Reviewer!"

Alec: "…whatever, he's probably building robots to try and take over Critics-Society or TGWTG.com…and KurvosVicky…"

-jump cut to Sweden-

Frank Capra's Ghost: (strapped to a chair) "I think the readers get the joke already! Please let me go!"

Kurvos: "Oh I don't think so, you know where I live, I'm not gonna let you tell all your other dead friends so they can come and haunt me." (he flips the switch as electricity shocks Frank Capra's Ghost)

Frank Capra's Ghost: "BWAAAAARRRRGGGG!!! THE INTENSE PAIN!!!!!!"

-anyway-

Alec: "He's probably not doing anything that interesting."

Martin Scorsese: "Yes, yes, hope you learned something."

Alec: "Wait, what was I supposed to learn? All I learned was you have the power of editing to get you out of a jam and you nearly got me kill-"

Martin Scorsese: (bitchslaps Alec when the frame freezes just after the hand makes contact and Marty's narration is heard) "*Ya know, word of the wise to future film students; it's a bad idea to sass your elders, especially when this elder had made violent profanity-laden crime movies.*" (the frame keeps going as Alec wakes up back in hid bed, rubbing his face)

Alec: "Ow…that didn't feel good at all…I am never going to wash this side of my face again…"