-Death Battle Lounge-

(A homey little set-up with decorations on the walls, pictures of past fighters posing with past and current hosts line the walls as green wreaths line around them. Sitting in two easy chairs next to a soothing and lively fire are hosts Johnny Zealous, wearing a red and green vest with a festive dark red casual jacket and a cup of hot chocolate with a Starbucks logo on the cup. In the other chair is Lucas Zaboot, who is wearing a gross Christmas sweater that says “Happy Go F*ck Yourself” stitched in, a Santa hat and an entire carton of eggnog in his hand)

Johnny Zealous: “Greetings and salutations readers and passerbys. I’m Johnny Zealous, the Internet’s greatest salesman.”

Lucas Zaboot: “An’ I’m Lucas Zaboot, New Jersey’s own Green-Eyed Jersey Devil.”

Johnny Zealous: “Are you trying to make that your catchphrase?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Why? You wanna find out why I got th' name?”

Johnny Zealous: “Not really. Anywhos, Merry Christmas to you all and if you don’t celebrate Christmas, then Happy holidays.

Lucas Zaboot: “And if you have a problem with that, then Happy Shut th' F*ck up.”

Johnny Zealous: “Now please forgive us for our absence, we have been plagued by technical difficulties that have caused serious problems with trying to present your usual violence here. No thanks to Lucas here.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Well pardon th' f*ck out of me for dropping a beeah on th' controls!”

Johnny Zealous: “And then throwing the bottle at Dr. Felicia Gershwin when she offered to fix it for us…”

Lucas Zaboot: “That quack was gonna overbill us!”

Johnny Zealous: “You say that about everyone Lucas.”

Lucas Zaboot: “That’s cause I’m usually right.”

Johnny Zealous: (rolls his eyes) “Regardless, we’re back on track and, to celebrate our return and the holiday season, we’ve created this little special Joke battle for you all using two of the most recognizable green figures in literature.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Doctah Seuss’ The Grinch and Mahvel’s The Incredible Hulk!”

Johnny Zealous: “But unlike our last surprise Joke Battle made around Halloween where me gave no prelude, this one is special compared to that piece of comic fourth-wall breaking, why?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Cause we wrote this battle entirely in rhyme motherf*ckahs. Heh heh heh.”

Johnny Zealous: “Precisely. So, sit back, drop all expectation and enjoy our Christmas Joke Battle we’ve labeled: “How The Hulk Saved Christmas.” (opens up a book with an engraved cover made for the occasion)

- -

'Twas the night before Christmas, peace throughout Stark Mansion
Security scanning the corners, ready if need be, to take action.
Large socks were hung near a chimney with cause
For hope of being filled by the man named Santa Claus.
But out of the chimney, did a green hand emerge
With a crude device, creating an electrical surge.
Shutting down cameras and the alarm's laser grid
Then out from the chimney, a red and green figure slid.

This was THE GRINCH, the old childhood fiend
Looking over the room, rubbing his hands as he beamed.
"Oh this is perfect." The Grinch said with a sneer
With a bag in his hand, he took all of the Avengers' gear.
From Iron Man's helmet, to Hawkeye's bow,
To Captain America's shield, a patriotic symbol you know.
From the decorations on the walls, oh it was quite a spree
The Grinch took it all, while expressing great glee.
He shoved them in bags, tied to a certain degree,
Threw the bags to the roof, bags one, two and three.
"And now," mused the Grinch, "I will make off this this tree."

As The Grinch took the tree and starting giving force,
He heard a firm "ahem*,” from an obscure source.
The Grinch turned around fast and in the midst of Stark Manor
Was a gamma radiation scientist by the name of Bruce Banner.

Bruce and the Grinch stared at one another
A green man in a Santa suit? One has to wonder.
Bruce had woken up from his bed to go take a leak
When he heard a noise and found this green freak.
"Who are you?" Bruce said "Why are you taking the Christmas tree? Why?"
Now the Grinch, as you know him, so clever and sly
Did the one thing anyone would do in this situation: Lie!
"Oh good sir!" The old Grinchy Claus lied.
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side!
So I'm going to fix it up in my workshop buddy
I'll fix at home and return it looking less cruddy."

Now if Bruce was 2, he would have easily been fooled
But not for this genius who had been properly schooled.
"You're a liar!" Bruce said taking hold of the stump.
"Let go of the tree, or I'll make you regret it chump."
The Grinch just laughed and kicked Bruce to the floor.
Bruce groaned and grit his teeth, clearly quite sore.
Banner looked at the Grinch, his eyes green like the tree.
"Big mistake," Bruce growled, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."
Well what happened then? Well that's easy to say
Bruce Banner's physique grew three sizes that day.
His clothes tore, color changed and his muscles did bulk.
With a growl and a roar, there stood THE INCREDIBLE HULK.

The Grinch's eyes widened in shock at this large green mass.
Making him think "I shouldn't have given him my sass."
Climbing back up the chimney, The Grinch made his flight.
All the while, an announcer's voice called out with the word:

"FIGHT!"

As The Grinch climbed into his sleigh, trying to get it to start
The Hulk leap through the roof to tear the Grinch apart.
"GIVE HULK BACK PRESENTS!" Hulk said with a roar.
He reared up his fist, ready to give the Grinch what for.
But before The Hulk could crush The Grinch like a grape,
The sleigh's engines roared to life and he made his escape.
The Grinch gave a sigh as he flew through the night
Hopefully, if he could reach the border, he would be all right.

But several crashes he heard made him look over his shoulder,
The Hulk was leaping rooftop to rooftop, like some green roller coaster.
The Hulk refused to let this green menace go free
He was going to crush him, no matter how much he would plea.
The Grinch and the Hulk's chase soon left the city
From Stark mansion's roof, the two looked real itty-bitty.

From his sleigh, The Grinch hoped he would tire after a while.
But would that stop The Hulk? Ha, he kept pursuing mile for mile.
Through grass fields and fog banks. Suburbs, power plants.
Factories, construction projects, and homes like your aunt's!
Whatever was in his way, The Hulk leapt right through it.
He would land almost on people, but they mostly ran for it.
The Hulk even leapt on a truck driven by irate truckers.
"You jerk!" Yelled the driver, "you crushed all the Smuckers!"

The Grinch began to worry, The Hulk refused to let up
At this rate, he'd be lucky if he could flee with a holiday cup.
Then, to his left, The Grinch saw a snowy mountain range
The Grinch's brain formed an idea that he could arrange.
If he flew high enough, he could lose the Hulk on the top
Then escape north to Canada, where he could make his drop.

The Grinch grinned at this, as he made a sharp turn,
The Hulk was caught off guard, making his anger burn.
"GREEN MAN WON'T LOSE HULK!" Hulk said as he fell.
But he rebounded from the fall and continued to yell.
The Grinch ignored him as he flew to the mountain,
Then started flying up, his engines really echoin'
The Hulk had some difficulty, trying to leap in soft snow
The sight of this caused the Grinch to laugh on the go.
"Pooh pooh!" Said the Grinch, looking back mocking.
"What happens tomorrow when your friends look in their stocking?
Their mouths will all hang open in total surprise
While I fly to Canada with my bountiful prize!"

But The Hulk, who heard this, refused to go with this scam.
With the roar "HULK SMASH!" The Hulk delivered a mighty slam.
The mountain then shook, an avalanche started to fall
But with a quick swerve, The Grinch survived a close call.
But as The Grinch looked forward, his eyes widened in fear.
The Hulk was coming right at him, there was no time to steer
The Grinch tried to fly up, but he was far too late.
With a punch to the engines, down he went straight.
His sleigh hit the snow, and so did the green beast
The sleigh began sliding down, to escape at the least.
But then came a loud rumbling sound, could it be?
"Oh no!" Said the Grinch, "an avalanche! Coming for me!"
Down, down, down, the old Grinchy Claus rode
To avoid a terrible that Avalanche behind bode.
Looking to the left, he saw his last hope,
An abandoned, yet stable, holiday ski slope.

With the last blast of his fuel, the Grinch's sleigh soared.
As the snow bank rolled, to the woods the Grinch went toward.
As the sleigh started going down, rearing to hit the dirt.
The Grinch thought aloud "oh this is really gonna hurt..."
With a bang and a boom and one very loud crash.
The sleigh hit the ground, but safe were The Grinch and his stash.
The Grinch sat up and looked over the damage
Too broken to fly, but much here he could salvage.

As The Grinch climbed out to give the sleigh a shove
He saw what looked like a dark shadow cast from above.
Looking up to the sky, he became quite alarmed.
The Hulk was falling toward him, clearly unharmed.
The Grinch pushed the sleigh just as the Hulk landed
With the Hulk standing here, all hope was abandoned
“GIVE BACK PRESENTS!” The Hulk said with a growl
The Grinch thought, “might as well throw in the towel.”
He grabbed a gift from the sleigh and he held it out.
But as the Hulk tried to grab it, but held some doubt.
The Grinch threw the present at the Hulk’s face
and sliding under his legs, off the Grinch did race.

But the Hulk was tired of all this running around
with a leap and his fist, the Grinch’s back it did found.
The Grinch fell over, writhing in intense pain.
Hulk yelled, “HULK NOT DO ALL THAT AGAIN!!”
Grabbing the Grinch by his legs and pulling on his hand
He pulled his back and shot him off like a rubber band.
Flying high through the night sky, pain he was feeling
If he was lucky to survive, he’d spend Christmas healing.

The Hulk succeeded in ridding this holiday foe
He would celebrate, but dawn started to glow.
“PRESENTS!” Hulk said without any dictation,
he looked to the sleigh, he was struck with sensation.
“HULK RETURN PRESENTS! MAKE PEOPLE GLAD!
IF NOT; BLAME HULK, SEND ARMIES, GET MAD!”
With determination in his heart, he picked up the sleigh
carrying it over his shoulders, the Hulk leapt away.
At a quarter of dawn, a Christmas miracle occurred!
Though the early birds saw it, no one believed a word!
The Hulk returned all the presents, to boys and girls all
Delivered them right to their houses, with major collateral.

That morning, when Tony and the others came downstairs
he saw all the presents and decorations and broken wares.
Regardless, they all gathered together for gift receiving
never paying any attention to the busted-up ceiling.
Though as they opened their presents and drank eggnog cup
It became quite clear there had been some presents mixed-up.

Tony got a tricycle, Thor, an Xbox.
Steve got tickets to go see the Seahawks.
Hawkeye got lingerie, Black Widow, bunny slippers,
The Vision even received a pair of toe clippers.
And as for the Hulk, what did he get?
The worst one of all; a Jr. Chemistry set.

Despite this mix-up, the gang didn’t mind,
they were glad they finally got a day to unwind.
As for what happened next? Well I surely don’t know.
So I’ll end the story here, with the letters:

K.O.

- -

Lucas Zaboot: “Heh, that was awesome, if a little lame neah the end…”

Johnny Zealous: (closes book) “Well, it’s a joke battle, I mean, get real, who would be deluded enough to think The Grinch stands a chance against The Hulk?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Ron Howard? Hey-oh!”

Johnny Zealous: “Well, even for a joke fight, at least people were entertained. Thank you all again for reading our Christmas-themed battle made to get you all to laugh and NOT MEANT to be taken seriously either.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Just like this piece of sh*t shirt I’m weahin'.”

Johnny Zealous: “Needless to say, leave a comment below detailing your thoughts on the work we put into this Seasonal Joke Battle so we all can feel all our work was justified and not a waste of time.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Also, go thank whatsehname for indirectly inspirin' this joke battle in the first place.”

Johnny Zealous: “Felicia.”

Lucas Zaboot: “The f*ck? That quack with the goggles?!”

Johnny Zealous: “No, no, the writer, Lady-n-Gentleman.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Don’t that get confusin'?”

Johnny Zealous: (ignores him) “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!” (waves to the readers)

Lucas Zaboot: (also waves to the readers) “And Happy Go F*ck Youhselves!”

Johnny Zealous: “Can we cut that last part out?-“