DB- Carmen Sandiego vs Lupin III - Pre-Fight

Johnny Zealous: “Murder is a crime that is lands the culprit with 10-15 years in federal prison with no parole, life imprisonment or the death penalty.”

Lucas Zaboot: “But for today’s combatants, their crimes would usually condemn them to a year in prison, depending if the country or state they’re in considers it a statutory offense: theft.”

Johnny Zealous: “These mastermind criminals has gone around the world and stolen the most valuable goods the world has ever known, they are wanted by all law enforcement and they will receive life imprisonment upon capture by authorities.”

Lucas Zaboot: “And that’s why we’re gonna throw them into a Death Battle!”

Johnny Zealous: “Carmen Sandiego, the ringleader of V.I.L.E. and foil for hundred of children and preteens since 1985.”

Lucas Zaboot: “And Arsène Lupin the 3rd, the gentleman thief who pulls off impossible heists and foil to Interpol since 1967.”

Johnny Zealous: “And with the information provided to us, we’ll determine their strengths and equipment stats to answer the greatest question of them all, “who is the greatest their who ever lived?”

Lucas Zaboot: “All done in a battle we’re calling “Where the Fuck are these Assholes?”

Johnny Zealous: “Wait, I didn’t agree on that-“

       
Johnny Zealous: “Little is entirely known about Carmen Sandiego, no small part to Carmen erasing her own past when she left ACME, but this much is known about her.”

Lucas Zaboot: “As far back as she can remember, she found a necklace that held a picture of a woman who looked just like her from a burning building. Whether she was given this necklace from her mother before she died or she found it and picked it up, even she doesn’t know for sure, but regardless, she grew up in an orphanage in San Francisco until she was 10 where she entered a game show, receiving a substantial about of cash to see the world. Hey babe, ya wanna see the world, I know a guy who sells LSD to help ya with that.”

Johnny Zealous: “She returned at age 12 where she was picked up and adopted by ACME, a law enforcement organization dedicated to preserving and safe-guarding precious artifacts from criminals. At 17 years old, she caught more criminals than any other ACME agent has on record. So where did she go wrong?”

Lucas Zaboot: “One day she got bored and decided “catching criminals while looking like Indiana Jones is boring, I’d rather wear bright red and steal the world’s most valuable artifacts for the hell of it!” And so, she ditched ACME and went rogue…damn what a saucy babe, is she single?”

         

Johnny Zealous: “As one of the world’s greatest thieves, Carmen Sandiego has acquired enough skills over her long career to constantly thwart the authorities as well as ACME all the time.”

Lucas Zaboot: “This hot dame is spry enough to leap over traps, climb high places and swing across wires and even out-run teenagers wearing sneakers! She can slip out of handcuffs, literally disappear from sight when you turn your gaze and she has an amazing knack to disrupt all forms of security, from simple locks and laser grids to advanced fingerprint and eye-scanning security.”

Johnny Zealous: “Carmen Sandiego is incredibly brilliant, not only is she well-versed in world history and geography, which helps her to form and create her clues, she is a brilliant strategist, so good, she can literally plan out an escape before she even begins her crime when it all goes wrong. Such as one example from the Fox variation “Where on Earth is Carmen Sandiego?” in one episode, Carmen broke into ACME and stole ACME’s computer module as well as did info-scan search on circuses before escaping. When the ACME detectives eventually caught wind of her plans to disrupt ACME’s computer network, they stopped her, but she escaped to a circus, disguising herself as one of the clowns to elude capture for another day.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Whoo damn, what a babe! Not only is she well-versed in riddle-play, but she has quite a tongue to speak other languages from all around the world.”

Johnny Zealous: “Are you getting turned by all this?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Hey! Don’t knock my waifu!”

Johnny Zealous: “Carmen Sandiego your waifu? Yeah right, this coming from the guy who beds secretaries, flight stewardesses, cheerleaders, tourists, wannabe models and random women courtesy clerks who bag your alcohol, there is no way you would ever dedicate your entire life to ONE woman.”

Lucas Zaboot: “I could if I wanted to!”

Johnny Zealous: “The day you do, I’ll retire from sales.”

       
Lucas Zaboot: “Hmm, I wonder what she’s got under that long red coat?”

Johnny Zealous: “A good question indeed, Carmen Sandiego has a large amount of tricks and gadgets hiding under her sleeves and coats for her heists and get-aways.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Huh? What? I was wondering about her boob size, what were you talking about?”

Johnny Zealous: “…sigh* why am I not surprised that is on your mind?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Hmph, well I may not know her boob size, but I do know she has a small grapple hook in her arm to pull herself up high places or catch her fall, smoke screen to distract authorities and make easy exits as well as sleeping gas to put guards to sleep, hacking tools in the shape of a make-up compact kit, a small miniaturized cutting tool that she can slip easily into her gloves to cut open glass and thin walls, a small extendable pole in the heel of her shoe and, when leaping off high spots, an extendable glider with a mini rocket on the top to give her a boost.”

Johnny Zealous: “So you know what she has on her, but not what’s underneath the large jacket? Some people would call that stalking.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Screw you, I like to know my women inside and out!”

Johnny Zealous: “…You only make yourself creepier and creepier with every passing moment.”

Lucas Zaboot: “But even for a babe like Carmen or any other master thief for that matter, she can’t do all her best heists by herself.”

Johnny Zealous: “So, we’re allowing three members from V.I.L.E. to assist her in this caper with their respective abilities to help.”

Lucas Zaboot: “This pathetic Dr. Insano cosplayer is the brain behind Carmen’s gadgets that assist her in pulling off her crimes.”

Johnny Zealous: “For this crime, we’re permitting her only Equipment to be a hover chair with fancy doo-dads and other science-related material, like lasers, saws and whatever boss fight villains usually have.”

Lucas Zaboot: “All except a nuclear dildo launcher.”

Johnny Zealous: “A- wait, why would anyone want that?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Pff, you kidding? I could call up 25 girls in the hour to vouch for that!”

Johnny Zealous: “I…forget I even asked…anyways, Sarah has shown before that, while brilliant, she has snapped and attempted to usurp power from Carmen, going so far as to soak the entire Atacama Desert with rainwater in order to use the water to lift the Atacama Giant via pontoons.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Now even I know from past experience that’s a terrible idea.”

Johnny Zealous: “When were you ever in South America?”

Lucas Zaboot: “I wasn’t, I once flooded the bathroom to a hotel in Montana to use the tub as a boat to float out. Worse, idea, ever.”

Johnny Zealous: “While I make an important phone call to my bank, why don’t you fill the audience in?” (walks out with his cell phone to his ear) “He took out HOW much?!?”

Lucas Zaboot: (looks to the audience) “Dunno why he’s so pissed, I got all but one digit right. Anywhos, Eartha here is a super-strong chick whose hobbies include chewing granite and tossing houses while reading romance novels. She made her appearance in the game show for kids back in the 80’s with that f*cking OBNOXIOUS a cappella theme song. While she never uses these in the show or any other forms of medium, we just decided “why the f*ck not?” Makes about as much sense as a nuclear dildo launcher, heh heh heh.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Of course the sexiest babe in red ain’t perfect. Her thefts almost always result in her losing and having the things she stole be put back where it belonged, though she doesn’t seem to care much when she loses, like a good sport. Also problematic is her own crew, that being, they’re almost entirely incompetent, while their skills are more valued when Carmen leads the way, on their own, they always find themselves being arrested or Carmen just uses them to take the fall for her. 
Also, while my babe is undoubtedly an amazing thief, as well as amazingly hot, she doesn’t have anything on her that can kill directly, that on her own choice as she feels harming others “is bad sport for the thrill.” But regardless of these flaws, Carmen is one of the greatest thieves of all time, she’s quick on her feet, smart enough to constantly slip through custody again and again and gets a thrill from what she does. Hell yeah babe…” 



(takes a drink from his beer can, setting it down on the table while gazing at the Carmen Sandiego vids, but his distraction causes the beer to tip over and spill into his lap) “Shit! Goddamn it!” (reaches under the table and pulls out some paper towels) “Recycled paper? Fucking hippies.” (pulls a few paper towels and applies it to his lap, drying to dry his pants)

Johnny Zealous: (returns) “Okay, so nothing serious taken out, close call- LUCAS?! THE HECK?!”

Lucas Zaboot: (drops the paper towels on the ground under the desk) “WHAT?! I WAS BEHAVING MYSELF!”

Johnny Zealous: “HANDS ON THE TABLE! THAT’S SICK!”

Lucas Zaboot: (lays his hands on the table) “Damn it, I wasn-“

Johnny Zealous: (duct tapes his hands to the desk) “Now behave yourself or I’ll replace you with an Irish commentator.”

Lucas Zaboot: “You do that and you’ll never see the light of day…”

                   
Johnny Zealous: “Long before computers or television were even ideas to be invented, in 1905, author Maurice Leblanc wrote a collection of stories for the French magazine “Je sais tout” featuring the character of gentleman thief and master of disguise Arsène Lupin from 1905 to 1939, with his last novel published posthumously in 2012.”

Lucas Zaboot: “This cool thief would foil his foes with panache and style, even going head-to-head with Sherlock Holmes, oh, I’m sorry, “Herlock Sholmes,” guess even writers like to poke jabs at each other now and then back in them days.”

Johnny Zealous: “Well this gentleman thief proved to be an influence to countless writers, one such writer was an artist by the name of Kazuhiko Katō, better known by his pen name Monkey Punch who wrote and illustrated a manga series based on Maurice Leblanc’s character.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Even though the dude had NO permission from the Leblanc estate, makes me wonder who the real thief is.”

Johnny Zealous: “Creating a character claiming to be the grandson of the famed thief, Lupin III spread into an anime series that helped anime legends Isao Takahata, Rintaro (alias Shigeyuki Hayashi), and Hayao Miyazaki get their break into the animation business.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Hold on…so we have a character written by a Japanese guy, based on a character from a French guy, from whom they had no contact with for permission and yet he managed to make this manga and anime series with?”

Johnny Zealous: “Yes, which is why many English dubs for a while had to change Lupin’s name to “The Wolf” so they wouldn’t upset the Leblanc family for copyright.”

Lucas Zaboot: “…well all right, I see no problem in that. By the way, can you free my arms? I’ve got an itch on the back of my neck.”  

Johnny Zealous: “Lupin III is a much like his grandfather and, perhaps, even better than him. Not only is he skilled in swordsmanship and gunplay, he is also remarkably fit physically enough to leap across rooftops (in one instance leaping from castle tower to castle tower with the help of a model airplane) and slide through ventilation shafts and sewer pipes with ease. When coupled with his amazing escape artistry skill, Lupin is able to easily escape from any trap he’s placed in and slip out of police handcuffs in seconds, such as the time Inspector Zenigata arrested Lupin and while dragging him off to prison, Lupin slipped the cuff around a broken car and slipped away without Zenigata didn’t even notice. ”

Lucas Zaboot: “I use to do sh*t like that when I was 13, but then my wrists grew out and I couldn’t do it anymore.”

Johnny Zealous: “Lupin is also a superb master of disguise, able to impersonate almost anyone and everyone as well as imitate their voice flawlessly that he managed to be women while disguised as their lovers with this.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Wait, what if one of the gals had a boyfriend with a small dic-

Johnny Zealous: “-TIONARY and encyclopedic knowledge makes Lupin incredibly smart, which is how he know much about world cultures and history as well as languages that Lupin can speak fluently. He’s so good with languages he even understands computer codes.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Wait what?!?!”

Johnny Zealous: “Over Lupin’s illustrious career, he has utilized a multiple plethora of gadgets, but one thing in his belt that has been consistent was his signature Walther P38.”

Lucas Zaboot: “A handgun favored by Nazi fuckers during the 2nd War is light to carry and easy to reload, though it also makes it easy for the gun to jam during recoil.”


Johnny Zealous: “But of course, this only comes into play when Lupin needs to defends himself. Otherwise, Lupin is competent with the gadgets he brings with him, for this battle, we’re allowing a few that he’s more than comfortable with, such as tranquilizer darts to put people to sleep, glass cutter to cut holes in glass to sneak through windows, a disguise kit for Lupin change his appearance as well as he can as well as his lock pick tools, the standard for any good their to break open locks.”

Lucas Zaboot: “But of course, what master thief wouldn’t be a badass if they didn’t have a grapple gun and line to pull them up tall buildings?”

Johnny Zealous: “In the “Castle of Cagliostro,” Lupin used a grapple hook attached to his belt to stop his fall over a cliff with a princess. Now, for the sake of comparison, your basic rock-climbing rope is what is known as “kern mantle rope,” a kind of rope created using several smaller twisted fibers wrapped together and held in place by a sheath. This is basic rope used by rock-climbers as the fibers inside provide tensile strength necessary to support more than one person using the rope-“

Lucas Zaboot: “Dude, seriously? You’re dragging science into this?”

Johnny Zealous: “Well yes, of course, the good people have to be informed about the strength of tensile rope-“

Lucas Zaboot: “You’re talking about a guy who leapt from the rooftop of a castle to another, with a model airplane, FUCK logic and reasoning!”

Lucas Zaboot: “As a former delinquent who operated a gang with his childhood pals, I can say for sure that any head honcho needs a guy whose got yer back. Luckily for Lupin, Jigen is what the doctor ordered.”

Johnny Zealous: “Never far from Lupin’s side, Dasike Jigen is Lupin’s confidant and right-hand man for his most effective crimes.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Jigen has on him his trusty Smith & Wesson Model 19 pistol, ya think Magnum guns are big? Take a look at this son of a bitch.”


Johnny Zealous: “But Jigen’s gun is only as useful as it’s owner and luckily for Lupin, Jigen is a superior gunman, boasting a quickdraw speed of 0.3 seconds and shooting so precise, he can fire a cigarette from someone’s mouth from 3 blocks away and even fire at incoming bullets and missiles while running.”

Lucas Zaboot: “And for those special occasions, Jigen carries armor-piercing rounds to break through the toughest metal shells or break up that christmas fruitcake your grandma keeps sending you every year but you can’t eat it.”

Johnny Zealous: “Through it all, Jigen always has Lupin’s back when the going gets rough. Lupin couldn’t have asked for a better partner than the most deadly gunmen in existence.”

Lucas Zaboot: “More so than what’s-his-face from that that one Clint Eastwood movie…”

Johnny Zealous: “Are you referring to “American Sniper?”

Lucas Zaboot: “Naw, I think it was “Pale Rider” I was thinking of. Never saw "American Sniper,” damn conservatives kept buying up all the tickets 'fore I could see it."

Johnny Zealous: "Eh, it wasn't anything to brag about, no big loss."

           

Lucas Zaboot: “Ah, now that’s more like it. Who needs a gun when you can have an edged weapon?”

Johnny Zealous: “Are you really comparing your box cutter to a katana sword?”

Lucas Zaboot: “They’re both sharp ain’t they?”

Johnny Zealous: “Whatever, the 13th descendant in a long line of master swordsmen, Goemon is a superb combatant, both with his hands and with his sword, the Zantetsuken.”

Lucas Zaboot: “This sword is awesome! It’s so awesome, he can cut police cars to pieces, slice a building to pieces, ricochet bullets easily, fuck! The guy even prevented World War III by slicing a nuke in half! A fucking nuke!”


Johnny Zealous: “Metals in general has differing degrees in which they can break or melt. Lead, for instance, melts at 621 degrees Fahrenheit, while steel, the basic metal used for bombs or missiles, melts at 2600 degrees Fahrenheit, meaning Goemon’s sword must have been made of a material that dispenses large amounts of atoms or expels more heat than a lightsaber-“

Lucas Zaboot: “Magic.”

Johnny Zealous: “Huh?”

Lucas Zaboot: “The wikis confirmed magic, so the answer is magic.”

Johnny Zealous: “But that doesn’t make any sense. A sword made from regular sword-smithing elements that cuts through any other material cannot be passed off by magic-“

Lucas Zaboot: “Is there an echo in here? It’s magic, his swords is made of magic and it cuts shit up cause of magic.”

Johnny Zealous: “But-“

Lucas Zaboot: “Fuck the science crap! It's all magic! M-A-G-I-K! MA-GIC!"

Johnny Zealous: "...there's no K in magic."

Lucas Zaboot: "Again with the nitpicking!"

Lucas Zaboot: “Oh yeah, now that’s what I’m talking about, here’s a woman I’d welcome into my gang any time.”

Johnny Zealous: “Probably not the best idea. Fujiko is not the most trust-worthy of Lupin’s gang. While she is a valuable member that can help distract security and get on the inside of the circle to people to find weak spots, she is clearly out for her own interests.”

Lucas Zaboot: “…I’d still let her in…”

Johnny Zealous: “Fujiko is a fantastic pilot, able to take control and pilot anything from water vehicles, land vehicles to even air vehicles. When on the ground, Fujiko carries a Browning M1910 pistol, it may not carry many bullets, but it’s small and easy to hide.”


Lucas Zaboot: “…where was she hiding that?…”

Johnny Zealous: “But her most advantageous ability is her ability to gain the trust of anyone, but it also makes her less reliable to Lupin. Fujiko is more than willing to give Lupin up to the authorities if it gives her a chance to slip away to save her skin.”

Lucas Zaboot: “…she’s still hot though.”

Johnny Zealous: “So much for sticking with your “waifu.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Hey! Don’t knock Carmen! I have a thing for saucy bad girls!”

Johnny Zealous: “I’m not surprised.”

     

Johnny Zealous: “As amazing a thief as Lupin is, he does have his share of flaws, such as his lusting taste for attractive women, Fujiko especially.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Well can you blame him? Look at that girls’ boobs! Jesus! She must spend all the money she steals on chiropractors.”

Johnny Zealous: “Maybe, but like any good gentleman thief, Lupin won’t be heartless enough to take someone’s life unless they’re threatening people he cares about or if his own life is in danger.”

Lucas Zaboot: “Still, don’t knock the guy for being flawed, even after 50 years, Lupin III is still slick, crafty and always willing to take whatever comes at him as a challenge to make himself rise or give the middle finger to authority….can you et go of my arms now? My balls are itching.”

Johnny Zealous: “…hmmm…no.” (gets up and leaves, turning off the lights and closing the door behind him.)

Lucas Zaboot: “…fucking asshole!”