DB - Ghost Rider vs John Constantine - Prelude

Roy: "And the broken bones. Luckily for Ghost Rider, his entire body is covered in hellfire that protects himself from being broken up like regular bones would and speaking of hellfire..."

HELLFIRE MANIPULATION

-Able to generate, control, and project mystical fire, or "hellfire" at will
 
-Used to burn targets soul as well as body
 
-Can project it from his eyes, hands, mouth, or even channel it from his body into his weapons like his shotgun
     +Turns his shotgun in a hellfire shotgun that fires large fireballs
     +Can also do this to other vehicles if he needs to
 
-Can summon walls of hellfire to stop opponents from fleeing
 
-He can also unleash the hellfire in omni-directional attacks that are incredibly powerful
     +Need I mention the time he burnt a city to the ground?
 
-Can ignite it anywhere including underwater
 
-Can form his iconic Hell Cycle from it

Johnny Zealous: "The bond Mephisto made between Blaze and Zarathos caused Blaze's entire body to be encased in mystical-Like fire, or Hellfire if you prefer."

Ivan: "This fire in his skin."

Roy: "Such a power gave Blaze this burring...desire...to beat up all those who sin."

(all three stop and look at each other)

Johnny Zealous: (rubs his temples) "Even before he passes out, Lucas still screwed around with the teleprompter..."

Roy: "I dunno, sorta fits really, considering Disney own Marvel now."

Ivan: "Can we continue please?"

Johnny Zealous: "Right, sorry. Ahem* With this hellfire ability, Ghost Rider can create walls of fire to pin enemies in place, turn ordinary weapons like shotguns into hellish weapons to fire off powerful hellfire blasts, set people on fire and, more improbably, ignite his hellfire while underwater."

Roy: "And even better? He can make motorcycles out of it."

Ivan: "That's one way to save on gas."

HELL CYCLE

Roy: "Sure, a guy wearing leather whose head is on fire is cool enough but nothing compares to having a hellish motorbike with wheels set on fire."

Ivan: "It's so badass I got one for Roy's birthday!"

Roy: "And the stitches from that STILL haven't healed yet."

Ivan: "Geez, so unappreciative."

Johny Zealous: "Think that's bad, you should have seen when Lucas got me for my last birthday...all those poor orphans and kittens, they didn't stand a chance..."

Roy: "...are we still talking about Ghost Rider's Hell Cycle?"

Johnny Zealous: "Oh! Sorry, um- This hellish motorbike obeys all of Ghost Rider's commands, can withstand the same punishment as him and can do the impossible and give physics the middle finger by driving over bodies of water as well as drive up and down walls."


Roy: "Also, it doesn't matter where the Rider is, if he's trapped somewhere high above or below ground, the bike will come to him to get him out of there."

Ivan: "Or even if you've been drinking heavily and need a ride home, ain't that right Lucas?" (nudges him in the ribs, he doesn't even flinch)

Roy: "Damn, he's out colder than you after six Vodka gimlets."

Ivan: "Hey! I'll have you know that only happened once and I woke up in a Puerto Rican sex dungeon all chained up and naked for several hours-"

Johnny Zealous: (interjecting) "AND SPEAKING OF CHAINS!!"

Johnny Zealous: "Ahem* sorry for that outburst.....and speaking of chains, Blaze's most iconic and useful tool for taking down the hordes of evil is a simple chain."

Roy: "But don't let it's simplicity fool you, this chain has been enchanted with hellfire, allowing it to burn anyone it touches as it can not only smack against you like a whip but also tie itself around you like a lasso and drag any sinner with."

Ivan: "This chain is so cool, it can be used to cut like a drill, grow high enough to reach a building and it can be turned into other ranged gear when Hothead needs it to be."

Johnny Zealous: "But all that pales in comparison to Ghost Rider's most powerful ability..."

Roy: "You think being dragged behind by a flaming motorbike while tied to a flaming chain is bad? Imagine your brain burning up from complete perpetual guilt for all your past creams and regrets and feeling the pain of your crimes done against the people you hurt or failed to help."

Ivan: "What was it they said in that Disney movie? 'Why her smoldering eyes still scorch my soul?' Try to imagine that, only literally."


Johnny Zealous: "When Ghost Rider is up close to his victims, he forces his victims to feel the pain they had ever inflicted on others. Depending on the number of innocent blood they spilled, sometimes this knocks them out cold for hours, or days, petrifies them into comas or, in a few unfortunate situations, kills them."

Ivan: "And bad guys aren't the only ones to have seen into Ghost Rider's eyes and felt his stare either. Dr. Strange was killed by it, The Punisher just acted like it wasn't anything new and as for Deadpool? Well, it turned Ghost Rider back into Johnny Blaze...I don't have an answer to that."



Roy: "Oh but it's better than that. This ability can take down anyone of any size, regardless if they're from hell or from outer space."

Johnny Zealous: "Huh?"

Ivan: "You don't know? Looks like someone didn't finish their homework for this one."

Johnny Zealous: "I- er- was up late making some calls to...people...what did I miss here?"

Roy: "Well...you've heard of Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds, right?"

Johnny Zealous: "Yes, why?"

Ivan: "...see for yourself dude."



Johnny Zealous: "...well I'll be..."

ZARATHOS:

Roy: "Damn, with powers like that, it's enough to wonder if including this would be fair."

Ivan: "Well, it'd be like having a Beavis and Butthead fight and not let Beavis turn into Cornholio."

Johnny Zealous: "When Zarathos is allowed to take complete control over his host's body, things get serious. Zarathos can manipulate the elements to his control, along with Telekinesis which I assume is the same thing in his case, increase his strength to absurd levels of power and even make it rain fire."

Ivan: "It's rainin' Hell, Sweet Jesus, it's rainin' Hell! You yell! I'm gonna go out...I'm gonna let myself...get a burnt-black ta-an!!"

Roy: "Yes, Zarathos is scarily powerful, but lucky for us, his full power only comes through if Ghost Rider allows him to and thankfully, Ghost Rider's abilities are strong enough on their own to hold up against anything the Rider comes across."

Ivan: "Or...is he?"


-Nicolas Cage

(Need I say more?)


Johnny Zealous: "You all knew we were going to make a Nicolas Cage joke eventually, so just get it out of your systems now."

Ivan: "While Ghost Rider originally couldn't fight in the sun, this has been changed lately to allowing him to fight out in broad daylight. But regardless, be it day or night, if there is no more evil to fight and if innocent life isn't at risk, there is no need for the Rider to be there and he will revert back to his human host, who is not as durable by the way."

Roy: "And while Ghost Rider can shrug off conventional weapons, holy weapons can harm him, killing him though? You'd probably have better luck dumping the holy water in barrels."

Johnny Zealous: "And while Ghost Rider's Penance Stare can take down the biggest and most powerful of foes, certain individuals can resist the stare's burning effect, though it's reasons can vary."

Roy: "Sometimes it works on aliens like Galactus and sometimes it doesn't for alien symbiotes like Venom...or the time it failed to work on The Punisher on the basis that "he had no regrets" or on Zodiac because he had all these eyes all over his head... or that really weird time he used it on Deadpool and while it sorta worked, it had the unexpected effect of turning Ghost Rider back into Johnny Blaze."

Ivan: "Another thing, using this ability puts unbelievable strain on Ghost Rider, so he can't just spam two in a row without the impact really giving him a serious headache."

Johnny Zealous: "Regardless, Ghost Rider is a formidable adversary against the legions of hell. He has repelled hell's invasion into heaven, taken down demon lords and while he may be a loner, not even the Avengers want to mess with him."

Ivan: "I guess you could say John Constantine might not stand a...'ghost' of a chance! Eh?! Eh?!" (looks around, he is only met with shaking heads) "Oh come on! That was genius! Ain't that right Drunko?" (nudges Lucas harder, he just remains there) "Damn, someone get this guy some ice water, he's makings do all the work!"

Johnny Zealous: (immediately stops him) "Uh heh, oh no, that's not necessary, he'll wake up eventually..."

Roy: "...Are you hiding something?"

Johnny Zealous: "What? No! No! Heavens no! I'm just...really trying to take advantage that I don't have to deal with him for a change. Right?"

Roy & Ivan: (look and each other, shrug and agree that it is the best to not have Lucas bugging them)

Johnny Zealous: (pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose and sits back down) "Ahem* Next!"



"Rash fools! They believe me a mere human! They shall pay the price for having dared challenge...The Ghost Rider!"

- -



JOHN CONSTANTINE
Debut Appearance: Swamp Thing Vol 2 #25 (1984)
Known As: Hellblazer, ConJob, The Laughing Magician
Height: 6'0
Weight: Unknown
Occupation: Working-class magician, occult detective and con man
Citizenship: United Kingdom (stationed in London)
Created by: Alan Moore, Stephen R. Bissette, John Totleben



FEATS
-Regularly exorcises demons as a job
-Had sex with a succubus
-Got a blood transfusion with a demon
     +This helped Constantine defeat the King of Vampires by letting him drink his blood, afterwards he beat the crap out of him, pissed on him and dragged him out into the sunlight
-Dracula himself said Constantine was a genius
-Can erase memories with ease
-Made a rabid dog choke on its own tongue
-Duped a demon lord holding possession of the souls of children to free them for his own soul
     +John tricked this demon by literally imparting his past sins onto some random bloke and sacrificing him for the children as the demon lord actually thought this guy was Constantine
     +Even the Phantom Stranger stated that John was free of his sins (won't stop us from using it in this battle though XP)
-Exorcised the Hindu Deity, Kali
-The Presence, or God himself, fears John
     +Subsequently, he even blackmailed God to keep him out of Hell
-Escaped from Hell by winning a poker game with Nergal
-Manipulated Superman and Batman to do his dirty work for him
-Urinated on the shoes of the Phantom Stranger, an omnipotent being who was considering rejoining humanity until John pissed on him (yes this is important, and also really funny)
-Tricked the Lords of Hell into curing him of lung cancer
     +Additionally, John has scammed the devil five times (even killing him the 4th time)

Ivan: "So you're all probably wondering, who COULD stand up to Ghost Rider? Apart from his feats in-comic universe, in Death Battle, he's defeated Scorpion, Dante and Lobo, is there anyone who COULD stand up to him?"

Roy: "How about a guy who not only fights demons and evil spirits daily, but beat the Devil in a poker game and blackmailed God?"

Ivan: "...Oprah?"

Roy: "I said guy."

Ivan: "Who did you think I meant?"

Johnny Zealous: "As a child, John Constantine learned that his ancestors were known as Laughing Magicians, magic-type people that could mess with the synchronicity of the universe. During the 1970s, John involved himself in the occult where he continued to improve his abilities in magic and familiarize himself in the magics of the paranormal while trying to get into the punk rock movement with his band, Mucous Membrane."

Roy: "His band lasted as long as Edge of Etiquette."

Ivan: "Who?"

Roy: "Exactly."

Johnny Zealous: "But things took a dark turn when John attempted to exorcise a demon from a girl by summoning another demon to fight it out."

Ivan: "Sounds a lot like trying to get one fish hook out of your thumb with another fish hook."

Roy: "Naturally this whole event traumatized Mucous Membrane and had John institutionalized at Ravenscar mental hospital, where he would be continuously haunted by his failure for decades. Though by 1985, Constantine heard humors of a creature called "the Swamp Thing" roaming about and decided to investigate whether this creature existed or not. Upon learning it was indeed real, John set himself to be the creature's guide."

Johnny Zealous: "Of course that was in-universe. In the publication history of the character, he appeared in the Swamp Thing comics before getting his own storyline in the Hellblazer series in 1988."

Ivan: "Man, I can't imagine how lucky you would have been as a kid to read this series, right?"

Johnny Zealous: "...um...sorta, I was entering college back in '88 though."

Roy: "Hold on, if you were going into college by the late 80s, that would mean you'd have to be in your 50's by now!"

Johnny Zealous: "...I'm 46 years old guys..."

Roy & Ivan: (sit there for a moment in silence before breaking out into laughter)

Johnny Zealous: (rubbing his temples annoyed) "Sigh*..."


SKILLS/ABILITIES

-Stage Magician Skills
-Expert Escapologist 
     +Can get out of nearly any situation with his wits or magic
-Expert Illusion caster
     +Uses magic and hypnosis

-Skilled Hand to Hand Combatant
     +Fights dirty very often
     +Uses magical weapons and wields them easily
     +Defeated the Ancient Babylonian God/Demon Nergal in a fight
          >Did so by tearing off his spine
-Infuses Illusions to sneak up on opponents
     +Is a master of stealth thanks to these illusion tricks
-Has the signature "Constantine Kick"
 

-Skilled Strategist
     +Outsmarts Divine Beings easily
     +Outsmarted and Out-Maneuvered both Heaven and Hell
     +Most of his best feats are improvisation
     +Has a very keen and analytical mind, allowing him to think of things on the fly

-Intelligence
     +Dracula stated Constantine is one of the smartest beings
     +Expert detective
          >Even Batman has called on him for some cases
     +Master of Manipulation
          >Tricked three lords of hell into curing his cancer
          >Talked a serial killer into killing himself
          >Tricked the Archangel Gabriel
          >Tricked Merlin
          >Tricked a convict into eating glass
          >Turned a mafia gang against one another
     +Recognized magic after memory loss
     +Predicted and could tell a werewolf attack
     +Convinced a ghost to go away by telling it to "Piss off"
     +Tricked a demon out of a host body


-Respected Individual
     +Was called the most important being on earth
     +Lord Dracula respects him
     +The First of the Fallen calls John his most worthy foe
          >First of the Fallen being the devil himself


-Possession Resistance
     +His will power alone resists even the highest of demons
     +Resistant against mind control, possession, telepathy, and even omniscient beings

-Peak Human Abilities
     +Can magically enhance himself
     +At his peak human base, shrugs off all types of magical attacks, excruciating pain, and even pure torture

-Capable Marksman
     +Fires with good precision
     +Kept up with the Family Man in a gunfight

-Skilled with Magical Charms and Tools
     +Wields a magical sword
     +Along with a magical trench-coat


-Skilled Summoner
     +Can summon all types of demons and creatures to assist him in a fight


Ivan: (getting his giggles out) "Heh heh heh, whoo boy, I needed that laugh- ahem* so...what were we talking about again?"

Johnny Zealous: (clearly annoyed) "John Constantine and his abilities."

Ivan: "Ah yes, thank you, 'old timer.'"

Roy: "Hee hee hee."

Johnny Zealous: "Sigh* 46 is not THAT old guys..." (pushes his glasses up his nose and recomposes himself) "The years John Constantine spent chasing back demons to hell, exorcising victims and communicating with the strange and unnatural has given John plenty of skills for taking down both the undead and mortals alike."

Roy: (still getting his giggles out) "Heh heh. John is a practiced stage magician, which comes in handy for sleight-of-hand tricks, and escape tricks for any time John is handcuffed or tied up by some numb-nut blokes."

Ivan: "He can resist being possessed by other spirits through sheer willpower, and those magic sigils he has tattooed onto his body, summon demons of any kind to give him a hand if he's in a jam, show a good aim when he's in a gun fight, and speaking of fighting, he's also not too shabby in a fist fight,  
whether he's a total sap or a fist-fight champ, depends of the writer, but there's usually one sure-fire way John gets the job done; a good old-fashioned kick in the nuts."

Johnny Zealous: "Glad to see we're swinging for the cheap seats."

Ivan: "Could be worse things we're swinging after, preferably with our feet."



Roy: "But John's greatest skill, and perhaps the reason he can claim as many feats as he has, is his incredible intelligence. He's a brilliant detective of the occult, a skilled strategist cooking up plans on the fly and a master of manipulation."

Johnny Zealous: "Take this incident as an example of just one of the MANY times John Constantine has managed to manipulate gods, demons and mortals time and time again. When John Constantine was with a friend who was dying of cancer, he found that his friend was drinking holy water turned into stout. When he finally died, the devil came to collect his soul and take him to hell before midnight. John convinced the devil to have a drink with him, only John failed to mention the stout was actually holy water until after the devil drank it."


Roy: "Oh and that was only one part of what he did to pull the rug from under the devil in that issue, we didn't even get into how he tricked the devil into curing his terminal lung cancer and leaving hell, flipping off the devil."

Ivan: "A shame, every time I do that to the management around here, they hang my upside down and hold a pint of Guinness where I can't reach it. Bastards."

Roy: "Oh but trust us, if you're still not convinced little Liverpool bloke like John Constantine stands a chance against the Devil's Bounty Hunter, check this shtuff out."

Johnny Zealous: "'Shtuff?'"


POWERS/SPELLS

-Astral Projection
     +John can separate his soul, making it immune to soul based attacks
     +Said soul can travel through dimensions and realms

-Divination

     +Can use magical fire to look for disturbances
     +Said fire will give him the name of an area

-Demon Summoning

     +John can create seemingly endless demons to fight for him
     +Can also summon known demons
     +Summoned Nergal, the Babylonian God

-Black Magic Attacks

     +John can place curses on opponents
          >Did it to his father, who wasted away, another demon, and can send others into insanity
     +Can transfer the damage of an attack towards him onto the enemy
          >Limitless in attacks that can be redirected
     +Has a spell that can trap his opponent in between the gaps of time


-Glance Spell
     +One attack of his can kill the source of a demon with one glance
     +Kind of like a pissed off penance stare

-Exorcism

     +Can separate the demon from the body its bound to
     +Will go on to bind the demon, depower it, and make it physical
     +Can then destroy the demon entirely
     +It can work on any entity, including Omnipotents
     +Did it to a Hindu Goddess, Archangel Gabriel, and other Omnipotent beings
     +Can work on elementals like Norfulthing
     +Depowered a demon to the point that a shotgun blast killed it
     +Can do it very quickly


-Spirit Wards

     +John can place sigils on himself that make him hidden from his opponents
          >Worked on Satan
     +Can also make himself immune to demonic and magical attacks
          >Again, worked on Satan

-Magical Circles

     +Make John immune to all attacks
     +Said circles are entirely impenetrable, as The First could not break it
     +In the New 52 reboot, Superman couldn't pass through it


-Dimensional Travel



     +Opened a portal to heaven in seconds
     +Can lead demons to heaven with his portals
     +Actually a common strategy of his

-Golemancy
     +Can summon giant Golems
     +Said Golem killed off Neo Nazis

-Oclumancy

     +Can erase memories
     +Did it by accident once

-Purification
     +Can send Demons and other holy beings to heaven or hell
     +Does it "On the Go"

-Necromancy

     +Can raise "soulstorms"
     +Said storms ravaged buildings and the like with ease

-Illusion Casting
     +Can make illusions of himself, like clones
     +Made a cat look like it was speaking
     +Makes an illusion to fake his death
          >Said illusion smelled like death too

-Teleportation
     +Has displayed it off-panel
     +Does it instantly

-Self-Resurrection
     +Exited the after-life after allowing himself to die

-Pyromancy

     +From his cigarette or lighter, John can use hellfire blasts to his advantage

-Time Travel
     +With a spell, traveled back to 1979

-Invisibility

     +Can make himself invisible
     +Can spot other invisible objects

-Enhanced Abilities
     +When fighting demons and the like, John enhances his physical abilities
     +Tore the spine out of a demon with ease
     +Tanked numerous demonic hits, and even vampire bites

-Transmutation
     +Can transmute the weapons and armor of demons
     +Takes concentration

-Synchronicity Wave Traveling

     +John can manipulate luck to his advantage
     +Allows him to cheat death
     +Allows him to win with impossible odds
     +Can make his opponents slip up
          >Opponents being gods
     +This is why he is so feared, and why he is still alive
     +Can turn the tables to his advantage at any time

Ivan: "When it comes to facing off against the forces of hell, John's got enough spells to put the Chekov's Arsenal trope to shame."

Johnny Zealous: "...Is that even possible?"

Ivan: "It's possible because I SAY it's possible."

Roy: "Apart from the typical spells you'd expect from a guy fully involved with the occult, such as summoning demons, exorcising spirits from mortals and drawing magic circles or runes to protect himself from harm, John Constantine can enhance his own physical abilities to make himself strong enough to take on demons, project his soul out of his own body, teleport and travel in and out of dimensions, that is if he's set a familiar locus for him to concentrate on, which is lucky for him since he tends to think of that before doing anything risky."

Johnny Zealous: "He can cast illusions on his enemies to mess with their heads or give him a chance to slip away and strategize, cast black magic spells along with use his own lighter to cast fire spells, create sigils to make him invisible to evil forces, erase the memories of people, goodness, the man can do so much it's almost laughable to think DC Comics would be stupid enough to reboot him and take most of these away."

Ivan: "But all of these pale in comparison to John's most useful and his greatest power of all; Synchronicity Wave Travelling."

Roy: "You know those times when the bad guy has the good guy right in his sights and could kill him without a second thought but decides to just gloat about his victory or something just gets in his way at the last second that stops him? In most stories, the writer puts that in intentionally to make the story flow, but for John Constantine? He can make that happen on his own."

Johnny Zealous: "By manipulating the cosmos, Constantine can literally make his own luck to make any situation go his way. Be it to find a weapon or tool right when he needs it or to make his enemies slip up when they are otherwise more capable than before. This is how John won a poker game against Nergal for his and the souls of innocent children."

Ivan: "Boy, would I kill to have this power. So many times I had to pay the rent when I could have just won the lottery in the right situation and still be able to pay for essentials."

Roy: "What are you talking about? You spend all our rent money on booze and loose women!"

Ivan: "Like I said, essentials!"

WEAPONS

-TRENCHCOAT

     +Is sentient thanks to the contents spilled on it
     +Can jinx attacks from the opponent
     +Can mind control opponents
     +Is durable at a superhuman level, which is why it never gets damaged from the likes of hellfire and punches

-TWIN BLADE

     +A short sword with two blades forged from the bodies of fallen demon lords
     +Can surpass a demons durability
     +Could kill Satan
     +Just a touch kills instantly
     +Cuts through the soul
     +Can kill omnipotents
     +A wound causes instant death

-CIGARETTES

     +Uses them for Pyromancy
     +His lighter as well

-WEBLEY .38 Mk IV REVOLVER

     +Six Round Cylinder
     +.38 caliber rounds
     +Bullets can be doused in holy water
     +Rarely uses it though, 

Johnny Zealous: "Now John doesn't have to completely rely on spells and sigils to protect himself, John goes everywhere with a assortment of tools that he will either have with him or just happen to find thanks to his lucky streak."

Roy: "That trench coat he's wearing? It's not just to keep him from getting cold in the English weather, this coat has an aura that protects John from all manner of supernatural attacks and the fires of hell itself."


Ivan: "And what would John Constantine be without his trademark lighter and cigarettes? Not only can these things trigger sigils but John can even create trap seals, as he did to trap a ghost in a tree by using a knife to etch a sigil into the tree and, with a combination of lighter fluid and a lit cigarette, completed the incantation and trapped the ghost inside."

Johnny Zealous: "And just for this battle, we're permitting the Twin Blade formed from the remains of two demon lords. It may not look practical as a weapon, but against the undead, this thing packs a serious whallop. It has the potential to kill Satan, cut throughout he toughest defenses for omnipotent beings and just getting a scratch from this thing is enough to kill."

Roy: "And just cause we feel like it, he gets a gun. Nothing special about it, it's just an old model for a revolver that's hardly in production anymore, but John has used guns before and kept up with a serial killer known as The Family Man."

Ivan: "Well hey, we've built up this guy as being unstoppable, surely there's GOT to be some weaknesses for Ghost Rider to exploit."

Roy: "Well, you're in luck."


WEAKNESSES

-Heavy Smoker
-Some Spells needed Prep
-Inconsistent as a hand to hand fighter
-Without magic, he's a peak human at best

Johnny Zealous: "Apart from the obvious "smoking kills" PSA, John Constantine is still a mortal human who can receive physical damage and injuries all the same."

Roy: "Not to mention, certain spells require some prep time and serious concentration for John to pull off, considering most times he's in a tense situation, time is usually not on his side unless he can find a way to make time."

Ivan: "And while we're talking about time, it seems John's greatest weakness is inconsistency as he's often times depicted as a master of combat or a complete doof who can barely raise his fists. On top of all that, take away all the spells and sigils and magic, John is just an average human being to be tossed around like a rag doll."

Roy: "But even if you took away his magic, John Constantine is still deadly. Even without the weapons and spells and sigils, John is smart enough to con Satan, blackmail God for a spot in heaven and even manipulate Superman and Batman to do his dirty work for him. Yes, he conned the Man of Steel and the Dark Knight AND THIS IS CANON." 

Johnny Zealous: "Make no mistake, you do NOT want to get on the bad side of John Constantine."

Ivan: "Unless you're Keanu Reeves, then you can push him over like he's a cardboard box."

(looks to Lucas who doesn't even budge) "Okay, seriously, what the hell is wrong with him?"

Johnny Zealous: "I told you, he's- uh...very tired from partying too hard last night."

Ivan: "You said he drank too much before he came in."

Johnny Zealous: "Oh, well, um..."

Roy: "He IS hiding something, wake him up."

Ivan: (shakes Lucas) "Come on Joe Pesci, wake-up time, nap's over- Oh God, is that drool?" (sees a large puddle of drool on the table under Lucas' arms. He turns Lucas over to find his eyes look blank and his mouth is open almost like he's brain dead) "Oh my God! What the hell happened to him?" 

Johnny Zealous: (looking around and acting rather defensive) "Nothing! Nothing is wrong with him, he's...just sleeping?-"

Roy: "Sleeping? He looks like he's half-past dead! What the hell did you do to him?!" (snaps his fingers in front of Lucas' face who doesn't respond)

Johnny Zealous: (tries to think of an excuse but gives up, removing his glasses and rubbing the corners of his eyes) "Okay! Okay! I drugged him before we started this commentary so I wouldn't have to deal with his typical insanity today."

Ivan: "You could have told us that! I wouldn't have pressed on it so much!"

Roy: (checks a pulse) "How much did you give him anyway? He looks like he's in a coma."

Johnny Zealous: (puts his glasses back on as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a bottle of tranquilizer fluid) "Um...about five does of this?"

Ivan: (looks perplexed) "Five doses?!?!"

Johnny Zealous: "Well...he didn't really calm down after the first shot of tranquilizer so I kept upping the dosage until he finally collapsed. I was keeping my eye on him the whole time, really."

Roy: (looking at the bottle) "You do realize this is tranquilizer meant for elephants right?"

Johnny Zealous: (stops in place before he grabs the bottle and re-reads it before he takes off his glasses) "...That would explain why things have been looking really blurry up close today..." (looks to Lucas and then back to the other two as a guilty look dawns on his face from this as he puts the glasses back on)

Ivan: "...bail?"

Johnny Zealous: "Yes that's probably a good idea."

(all three bolt out of the recording booth, leaving Lucas lying there as he continues to drool onto the table)



"When it comes to arrogant parasites, I've got a short fuse. So look out, suckers, here comes the revolution!"