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Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith Nview Part 1

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JUST RECENTLY, ON A GALAXY CELL PHONE FAR, FAR AWAY…

NOSTALGIAVIEWS

EPISODE III
ABOUT DAMN TIME

With the newest Star Wars on the horizon and spoilers for said film expected to come, Alec has decided to mute out the hype by finally getting off his ass and reviewing the last Star Wars prequel.

Despite the promise of having the review be seen on YouTube as a video, Alec’s technical troubles and schedule simply can not allow him to do complete the review in that short amount of time and must resort to text in order to speak his mind.

However, evil forces that patrol the dark recesses of the Internet have sensed Alec’s intentions and gather together in order to stop this masked nuisance once and for all…

- -

Well…here we are…took two years longer than I wanted, but the review you wanted is finally here.

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith.

Honestly, what am I supposed to say at this point? This movie came out 10 years ago and 10 years ago, I NEVER could have predicted that another Star Wars movie was going to be made, let alone that Disney would buy it and the guy who made “Lost” was going to write and direct it. Hell, I didn’t even expect George Lucas to live that long, but hey, here we all are, goes to show how wrong I was.
But what I couldn’t predict was how much I hate I was going to receive for talking crap about Star Wars, I still find it weird how people call me a Star Wars hater when I’m undoubtably a fan. For God’s sake, look through my gallery, you’ll find files upon files of Star Wars fan fiction and fan art in there…not as much as most hardcore fans, but it should be enough to say the obvious.
I DO NOT HATE STAR WARS.
Does it have problems? Absolutely, but as a fan, I feel that I should at least be mature enough to look at the things I love and admit the things I love have problems.
Fallout 3? Buggy as hell and ugly color palette, but I still clock in hours of traversing the Wasteland to that soundtrack of jazz songs that repeat over and over and over again.
Doctor Who? Most episodes are “Monster of the Week” with a rather low budget and most female companions are not written as well as you’d think (except Ace, she’s badass and tragic. Even Rose Tyler didn’t beat the sh*t out of a Dalek with a baseball bat!)

And yes, I am willing to admit the appeal of the original Star Wars trilogy is largely based on visual style more than the dialogue and characters, but we grew to love the characters as they were fleshed out and given fascinating character dilemmas and ideas that really pushed that this series could be more than just “a simple easy-going space adventure with some magic thrown in.”
The Prequels were just a cash cow that didn’t even care about fleshing out the characters and put all it’s budget to the effects on the screen.

But I digress, if I’m going to put you all in the same mindset as me for this, I have to take you back to the beginning on May 4, 1977 to fill you in on where this series was when “Revenge of the Sith” came around…

On it’s opening weekend alone, Star Wars grossed $1.5 million before eventually grossing a global $530 million earning. It was a film that shifted sci-fi from the slow, contemplative thoughtful films on man’s place in the universe to fast-paced action-packed explosive popcorn movies and Hollywood was more than happy to follow. 
Remember the covert Canadian Caper of 1979?
No? Ummmm….
Ever see 2012’s “Argo?” The whole CIA operation behind that was convincing the Iranian government that these six American diplomats in hiding were a Canadian film crew location-shooting for a Star Wars rip-off called “Argo.”
That alone should tell you that Star Wars had became a huge deal in the public conscience.

But, it wasn’t all fun and games for George, who had taken a much-deserved rest after the stress of directing Star Wars, received a stern warning from the Motion Picture Association of America for not including opening credits for the film. Seems like a silly thing to make a big fuss over, but that was how the industry rolled in the day, and still do to a certain extent, Francis Ford Coppola and Stanley Kubrick got away with it, but I can only surmise their reasons came from the studios who produced their films. Again, I don’t know how that works so I won’t try to explain it, but I will explain that the MPAA let this one slide for Lucas since nobody expected this movie to be a mega-hit.

So, when Lucas decided to produce “The Empire Strikes Back,” he handed the directing reins to Irvin Kershner as Lucas stayed back as a producer, taking out a loan from the bank in order to show the world he didn’t need to bow to the industry for funding. Problems arose however as the film began to go over-budget and over-production, forcing Lucas to make a deal with 20th Century Fox to have them pay the bank loan and other expenses in exchange for more money to be received, so long as Lucas retained merchandising rights. Despite the film’s success in 1980, Alan Ladd Jr., the president of 20th Century Fox, quit due to feeling cheated by George, for this reason, Lucas would take the Lucas/Spielberg venture “Raiders of the Lost Ark” to Paramount Pictures.
Of course that wasn’t the only hassle Lucas endured after “The Empire Strikes Back,” the Writers Guild of America and the Director’s Guild of America and the MPAA went after him and Kershner for, once again, failing to include opening credits and the two were hit with a $250,000 fine as well as attempted to pull the film from theaters for disregarding their rules of conduct. Seeing as Lucas made $538 million worldwide from the film, George paid off the fines for the MPAA and then dropped his membership with the DGA, the WGA and the MPAA entirely. Now you might say at this point “good for you George! You stuck it to the man!” Except this had the negative side effect of greatly hindering Lucas’ hiring choices for any and all future Star Wars films, forcing him to hire non-union workers and was limited by the non-union directors he could hire. 
Then came “Return of the Jedi” in 1983, or as I’ve been calling it, “George Lucas’ Turn to the Dark Side.”
Reading up on the production stories from this film really makes you stop and realize that Lucas had stopped being the artist he purported himself to be and was slowly turning into a money-hungry monster.

First point, George fires his long-time friend and producer Gary Lutz, the man who gave George a chance when no one else would, all because of a simple disagreement that Star Wars could be more than the spectacle and focus on the characters, as what “Empire Strikes Back” did, and taking his place was Howard Kazanjian, who acted as a co-executive producer with George for “Raiders of the Lost Ark.”
Second point, remember what I typed a few paragraphs ago that Lucas’ hiring options were severely limited because he dropped his membership with the Writer’s Guild and Director’s Guild? Yeah, Lucas genuinely had only new-comers to choose from. His choices included David Lynch (coming hot from the torch of success from “The Elephant Man” and later declined Lucas because of an offer to direct 1984’s “Dune”) and David Cronenberg (already having some films under his belt but started becoming noticed after 1981’s “Scanners.” He too turned down George Lucas in order to direct “Videodrome”) and others who mostly went on to do television. Although Steven Spielberg said he would have been more than happy to direct the movie, because Lucas was not willing to play in the same ball pit and Spielberg’s own obligations to the DGA and his work with Tobe Hooper on “Poltergeist,” he could not pitch in for his old pal. 
So, taking the director’s place was non-union director Richard Marquand (who provided the voice of the interrogating robot in Jabba’s palace), grabbing Lucas attention with the critically praised yet under-performing World War II movie “Eye of the Needle” in 1981. Despite Lucas claiming in future interviews he and Marquand got along, the stories coming from the cast and crew was a whole different story. Richard was still new to films with budgets bigger than a Doctor Who Anniversary Special and working on large sets like the ones in this movie was daunting for him. Because of this inexperience, Lucas would often take over the director’s duties and even man a camera when Lucas wasn’t happy with Marquand and other actors even said working with him was frustrating due to him alienating the main cast except for Harrison Ford.
Third point, Ralph McQuarrie, the guy who created these famous illustrations below for the Star Wars films, left production, claiming annoyance with the Ewoks and feeling burnt out due to Lucas demanding so much concept art for the creatures and locations for the movie.



In case you’re still convinced Lucas isn’t the bad guy, during post-production, Lucas’ special effects company Industrial Light and Magic were working 24-hour shifts to creating all these special effects for the movie, about 100,000 feet of effects recorded on film of spaceships flying, speeders whizzing past trees and all sorts of cool-ass special effects…were all ordered to be dumped by George Lucas on what ILM called “Black Friday.” According to some personnel that worked at ILM at that time, Ken Ralston, the VFX supervisor for “Return of the Jedi” and future films “Back to the Future,” “Who Framed Roger Rabbit,” “The Rocketeer,” “The Mask,” “Forest Gump,” and the upcoming “Alice Through the Looking Glass,” became so distraught he left the office and got drunk when he heard about this, forcing everyone there to go back to the drawing board and start all over.

Well, despite all these troubles, “Return of the Jedi” grossed over $500 million and Lucas would spend the next decade working on other ventures that either paid off (Indiana Jones) or went horribly wrong (Howard the Duck) before re-releasing his Star Wars films in 1997 as “Special Additions” that added poorly-rendered CGI, removed dialogue and the oh-so-favorite “Greedo shot first before Han did” edit. After that, we all know what happened after that…so I’ll just let Patton Oswalt fill the gaps.



I find it rather ironic that all Lucas wanted was to create his own independent production company while distancing himself from the money-grubbing studio that wanted to sell his movie like a product, when Lucas became pretty much what he hated.
In short, Lucas became a victim to his own hubris and while he’s still enjoying the benefits of the money coming in for his work with future Star Wars media, the fact that he complained about Disney shoving his ideas to the wayside to let others come up with ideas feels all the more like the conclusion to a Greek Tragedy.
A man who wanted to entertain and inspire while being able to live his life as a free man, chained himself into his own prison when he made the decision of marketing through toys and products in order to fund his future films, becoming a reviled and hated man who gave it all up and now sits as a tired old man unable to break free of his bonds.
Kinda sad really.

But moving on…
Remember what I said before about Lucas not being able to hire certain people because he shredded his membership with the DGA and WGA? Well, since he was unable to find someone to handle the directing duties, all while George was the writer, executive producer and financier of these Star Wars prequels. Now because Lucas was the top cheese in all this, he had all the executive say in what was being made, but he was severely limited in who he could hire. 
To make up for this, Lucas made the rather brilliant marketing gimmick to proudly declare that this was “the darkest of the prequels” and how everyone was appalled when the film was slapped with a PG-13, the first in the entire franchise, at least until “The Force Awakens” was give the same rating.
The hype for this movie was huge and I do mean huge. You think the marketing for “The Force Awakens” is out of control? The marketing for Episode 3 was insane, there was not one television channel I watched when I was 12 where ads for this thing wasn’t showing, I got toy lightsabers as a Christmas gift that year, played the video game, eat that crap cereal that had Yoda and Darth Vader on the box. 

…sigh* I really don’t want to do this now…but when will I have another chance like this again? Well in two years maybe, but I have no idea where I’ll be by then. Now I get a lot of crap from readers who say I’m one of those kind of people who talk crap about the prequels while praising the originals, so to dismiss this and just nitpick at the movie itself, I am going to avoid any references or comparisons to the original trilogy and simply berate this movie on it’s own poor merits. Everybody got that or are you all the type to skip over this?
Whatever, it’s time to come full circle, let’s take a look at the final Star Wars Prequel…

- - - - - - - - - -

So it’s all the usual stuff you expect if you’re a fan, the 20th Century Fox logo (before Disney bought Star Wars mind you), the Lucasfilms Ltd logo, the famed “A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away…” in blue and then BAM! 
STAR
WARS
The theater erupts in excitement as the title disappears into the stars behind it and the movie’s opening crawl begins.

Episode III
REVENGE OF THE SITH

War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Sith Lord, Count Dooku. There are heroes on both side. Evil is everywhere.

In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Grievous, has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palaptine, leader of the Galactic Senate.

As the Separatist Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their valuable hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor…

…mmm-hmm…
Got all that?

Good, so let’s do this then.

1. “War!” 
If you’re already singing the Edwin Starr song, then I really have no joke to make here.
2. “Heroes on both sides.”
Heroes on both sides? So are you saying Count Dooku is a hero or are there 
3. “Evil is everywhere.”
Really odd placement for this cliched sentence after saying there are heroes on both sides. Are we implying both sides are evil or is it just vaguely everywhere? I mean, I’m sure the whole “republic is crumbling” line was enough to inform me that things weren’t the best right now.
4. “In a stunning move, the fiendish droid leader, General Grievous, has swept into the Republic capital and kidnapped Chancellor Palaptine, leader of the Galactic Senate.”
Wow, that would have been really cool to see, shame you have to just leave us in suspense over that or force the hardcore Star Wars fans to buy the DVDs for that “Clone Wars” show that ran for two years to see how this happened.
5. “Two Jedi Knights lead a desperate mission to rescue the captive Chancellor…”
Two? TWO?! Why is it always two when sh*t like this goes down? I know Windu said in the last movie that there weren’t enough Jedi, but this is the f*cking leader of the Republic! I mean, if the President get kidnapped by Zombie Hamster terrorists, you don’t send Roger Murtaugh and Martin Riggs or Detectives Lee and Carter to rescue him, you send the Expendables or the f*cking A-Team! Why the hell can’t the Jedi assign more Jedi to do one rescue against this “fiendish General?” I mean, if this guy was abel to kidnap the Big Cheese, wouldn’t YOU send a whole Squadron of special forces rather than two guys? You know, increase your chances of success?!
Now I know that ya’ll are gonna comment below about that deleted scene where the two find Shaak Ti, that one Jedi chick with red skin and blue-striped horns that you get to fight as a boss for that game “The Force Unleashed,” being killed by General Grievous, but it only begs the question, if they sent ONE Jedi in before, which, as you can clearly see, failed, then why think your chances of TWO Jedi are enough when you sent them in the heart of the lion’s den?

Sigh* whatever, now that I’ve gotten all that nitpicking out, the actual movie starts with this over-blown, lengthy and completely unnecessary CGI long tracking shot of following these two TIE Figher-looking ships flying what looks like a Michael Bay movie in progress or an elaborate advertisement for a new Star Wars game.



Now mind you, this isn’t just one scene, this is the opening scene of the movie meant to ease us into this “much darker Star Wars” with not character development, nooooo, through what we’ve come to expect with these movies; excessive computer generated effects that overshadow the story and characters. But if you were really tired of CGI before in these prequels, then this movie is overkill. Remember that little counting joke I did labeling what was a real set and location with NO CGI included? Well now, it’s everywhere, even in scenes where it doesn’t need to be, it’s everywhere. Character’s face looks a little too dark? Brighten up the face with CGI. Green screen being reflected onto a reflective surface? CGI it out. It is bloody-well EVERYWHERE, even in locations where actors should have a character to respond to, they are talking to a wall.
Now I’m not one who should be taken legitimately or seriously when it comes to making suggestions on film, but what I do know is when it comes to films, usually the first 10 minutes should tell your audience enough about the film’s plot, it’s major players, that being the protagonist, the film’s location and the main character’s major obstacle to overcome in the duration of the narrative.

But to put this in a shorter way for the common movie-goer to understand; in the first 10 minutes of a movie narrative, your audience should understand these five questions:
WHO are our protagonists?
WHAT is the setting of the narrative?
or more appropriately in this case;
WHAT is the movie’s tone from these first 10 minutes?
WHEN is it taking place?
WHERE is the narrative taking place?
WHY do these characters do what they do in the narrative?

These questions are all the basic questions writers answer in whatever medium they are writing for. 
Just as a random example, I’m going to use Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone to help you the reader understand what I’m talking about.

“WHO is the protagonist?”
A young 11 year-old boy with dark hair, baggy clothes, circular glasses on his face with green eyes behind them and a lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead.
“WHAT is the setting of the story?”
A world where magic exists, separated between the real world and the magic world as this young boy learns he is a wizard and goes to learn magic at a special boarding school in a castle.
“WHEN is it taking place?”
Current time, that being the time the book was written…I assume, the Harry Potter wiki says differently but I say “screw that, I’m taking this information from the book.”
“WHERE is the story taking place?”
The United Kingdom, apparently, though the location of Hogwarts is a bit sketchy to me, but if you can sell your audience with the idea before reaching this, then we’re willing to let that slide…mostly…
“WHY do these characters do what they do in the narrative?”
For Harry, it’s more about proving himself and learning more about himself than he was ever allowed to. Of course it becomes more complicated later on when he enters Hogwarts, but your average audience should at least get a grasp of what drives the main character. 
Hell, if you look back to old mythology, many heroes had a drive to do what they accomplished?
Perseus? Wanted to defend his mother from a creep and was challenged to fetch the head of Medusa.
Xuanzang? He went on a mission to find the holy scriptures of the Buddha to bring some good will back to the land of corruption.
Coyote?….he really wanted fire and was nice enough to let man learn how to use it? okay this one is a bit vague, but you get my meaning.

Film narrative is a little more complex since film is a visual medium so answers like these are usually shown through visuals or interactions between characters.
As such, this rule doesn’t apply to every movie ever made and it doesn’t have to. It’s okay to shake things up once in a while if it means making a compelling film. After all, one of my favorite movies of all time is “2001: A Space Odyssey” and in the first ten minutes, we see apes learning how to use tools before the whole films jumps 2,000 years later with several new characters. 
But still, if you are making a movie with the intention of bringing everyone into the theater to give you money, at least give them some characters. Even Michael Bay understand that…sort of, but at least he does and immediately gives you your characters and setting off the back, regardless of how he presents them in the most insultingly pathetic way imaginable.

You want to know who the main character of this opening shot really is? The VFX.
Seriously, the actors aren’t important, admit it, the only reason you actually watch this movie is for the special effects. It’s in every scene, it’s prevalent throughout the film, at least you know why it’s there and what purpose it serves, I don’t even really know why there are real actors in all this? Lucas could have probably saved a boatload of cash if he just used CGI animation and had the actors voice over their characters, given how little chemistry the actors have, it would have been just as wooden and stale to be alone with a microphone to your face than having to act next to someone who also doesn’t care.
Fun fact, this movie uses 2,200 Visual Effects shots, more than the previous prequels combined.
I am not kidding.

And since I’m still pissed about all of this and really trying to hammer the point home, allow me to use a scene from a movie that is ALSO one long tracking shot. It’s not science-fiction, but it came out in 1997, used essentially no digital effects and yet in just three minutes, tells you who the main characters of the movie are, where you are, when you are and establishes the tone right off the bat for the movie you are going to watch.
And in case you haven’t figured it out by now, the movie is Paul Thomas Anderson’s “Boogie Nights.”



And you know what’s funny? This movie, just like "Revenge of the Sith," starts off on a lighter tone before it delves into the darker elements of the story, but at least you really care about the characters when it happens.
I care for them more than I do in this movie.
But alas, I am only delaying myself from actually doing the usual sarcastic nitpicking that you all laugh at. Forgive me, let’s actually start this sh*t.
Sigh* so after that big long tracking shot that says “Hey Academy! You can use me as a clip for the Best Visual Effects nomination for this year’s Oscars!” we finally get to see some familiar faces. The oh so beloved wooden table himself, Whine-again Skywalker and the guy with that bump on his forehead, Obi-Wan Kenob- WAGGGHHH?!?!


Dude! What happened to your hair?! I mean, yeah I know Alec Guinness didn’t have long gorgeous locks of manly hair waving in the wind in the original films, but come on dude! That hair was the only reason I kept watching “Attack of the Clones!” I mean, come on, look at this picture, tell me you wouldn’t want to go gay for that man and his hair? Damn it, I’m not even kidding when I say I TRIED to grow out my hair so it could look like this. It didn’t work because my hair kept sticking out, but damn it man, I just wanted that beauty on my head! Is that so much to ask for?!?


I mean, you just can’t give up hair that beautiful! What happened to it?!?



You mother*cker! It was bad enough you had to drag down the narrative of “Attack of the Clones” with a stale romance, but you had to steal Obi-Wan’s gorgeous hair and ruin it?! What must have happened that this travesty even occurred?

-fictional account-

Anakin: (still wearing his short hair with the mini pony-tail) “Uh, hey Master, can I ask you something?”
Obi-Wan: (brushing his long lush hair in a mirror) “Yes, my apprentice?”
Anakin: “Mace Windu is throwing a party downtown, I want to make a good impression so- um- can I please borrow your hair?”
Obi-Wan: “My hair? Well I don’t know Anakin, I’ve spent years growing it out and pampering it the way I like it-“
Anakin: “Pllleeeeeeeeaaaaaaassseeeeee????? It’s only for a night.”
Obi-Wan: “Welllllll…all right.” (pulls off the hair, revealing his hair in SW3 underneath as he hands it over to Anakin) “But please be careful with it, I just got it feathered.”
Anakin: (putting the long beautiful hair on his head) “Thanks Obi-Wan! I owe you one!” (runs off to go to the party)

-the next morning-

Obi-Wan: (enters Anakin’s apartment) “Hello? Anakin are you here?”
Anakin: (covered in bed, groaning) “ohhhhhh, my head…”
Obi-Wan: “I take it you had fun last night?”
Anakin: “Ohhhh, why did I drink Yoda’s moonshine?”
Obi-Wan: “Well, I’m sure a cold shower and a jog will clear your head, now, if I can have my hair back please…”
Anakin: (sits up in bed to reveal the beautiful hair is now a mess, resembling Anakin’s hair as it is in SW3) “ohhhhh….”
Obi-Wan: “gasp! Anakin!! My hair! What have you done with it?!”
Anakin: “Uhhhhh…I think Mace Windu might has grabbed at it a lot during the party and tried putting it on his head…then everyone threw it around the room like a football until it landed in the toilet.”
Obi-Wan: “It what?!?!”
Anakin: “Yeah, but it’s okay master, you can have it back now.”
Obi-Wan: “Uhhhh, you know what, you can keep it. I can grow another one.”
Anakin: “Are you sure? I  mean, you did spend a lot of time maintaining and grooming it the way you like it.”
Obi-Wan: “Yeah…it’s no sweat…” (turns to leave, holding back tears as he starts to sob into his fist) “It was just…my beautiful hair was all…” (closes the door and starts sobbing for his lost hair)

-End of fictional account -

Alec: “Sigh* Truly, we lost a great hero this day…

Obi-Wan's Hair tribute by Volts48

Right, moving on. So it’s been three years, has Hayden Christensen’s acting improved?

Anakin: “Master, General Grievous’ ship is directly ahead. The one crawling with vulture droids.”
Alec: “…amazing, just… just amazing. First line of the movie and he sounds like he’s trying to fight off sleep. Jesus Christ…”
And to add insult to injury, the vulture droids Anakin was talking about now talk in these cutsey high-pitched beeps that sound like Minion talk.
Remember: PG-13 for “sci-fi action and some intense images”

Anyways, sci-fi space battles as the CGi’d clone troopers come in on these X-Wings that look more like dragonflies as they fight with the vulture droids in this huge cluster-f*ck of lasers and explosions that I actually struggled to try and visually see Anakin and Obi-Wan’s distance from their objective. Then, out of nowhere, this line comes in.
Pilot trooper: “They’re all over me! Get them off my-“
Anakin: “I’m gonna go help them out.”
Alec: “Yeah- wait, what?!”
Obi-Wan: “No! They’re doing their job so we can do ours.”
Alec: “Exactly dude! They’re doing their job, YOUR JOB is to get through all that and rescue the chancellor, did you just forget because of one clone’s final words ringing through your ears? Screw him! Bomber planes never worry about the fighter planes around them, they worry about reaching their destination to drop the payload and take out the target! And just to hammer the point, THEY ARE CLONES! They’re not people, remember what Lama Su said in the last movie?
“They are totally obedient, taking any order without question, we modified their original structure to make them less independent than the original host.”
So yeah! If they cannot think, then, therefore, they are not! If you lose a couple of them, no big deal, you got a couple thousand more on the way! Now you’re probably thinking “well maybe Anakin got a little involved in the moment,” well maybe, but this film is said to take place three years after the events of “Attack of the Clones,” so you would think Anakin would already be familiar that these clones are just clones and not individual thinkers like everyone else. I know this is just a tiny moment to get worked up about, but it feels useless to insert a line in there only to be dismissed as the characters continue on their merry way regardless.

Oh wait, no they’re not, because we have to have the oh so important scene of Anakin and Obi-Wan dodging homing missiles fired at them. Like Anakin, he used spinning, that was a good trick, Obi-Wan he just…lets the homing missile hit something else and then his ship was overtaken by…buzz droids…yes this PG-13 movie is so desperate to entertain and build suspense that we have to waste precious run-time to having Anakin save Obi-Wan from the dreaded “Buzz Droids.” 
Obi-Wan: “Forget about me! get to the Chancellor! I’m running out of tricks here!”
Alec: “Yes, said trick being…just sitting there and accepting that there’s nothing you can do?”
Well either way, this scene goes on for, ooh, two minutes, which is just as soul-crushingly annoyingly pointless as “I’m gonna go help them out” as Anakin tries to resolve this non-conflict by shooting Obi-Wan’s ship, then slamming his ship into Obi-Wan’s ship as a lone buzz droid climbs onto Anakin’s ship and R2 hits it with his taser as the triumphant music applauds this astro droid.
Anakin: “Yeah, you got him!”
Alec: “Yeah! You ended a conflict that wasted two precious minutes for a scene that meant nothing to the plot and will never be referenced or spoken of again. That was one in a million R2! By the way, what happened to that one buzz droid that was sitting on the front of Obi-Wan’s ship, did we just forget about that or did the editor forget about it too?”

But whatever, moving on, the two approach Grievous’ ship, whoever that is, as they crash land into the hanger and start slicing up the battle droids without any sort of hassle, in fact, this huge hanger area seems surprisingly empty now that I think about it. I mean, from the looks of things in this short sequence, it looks like there’s around, what, 30 or so droids? Wouldn’t you think the commander’s flagship would have more security on board? I guess you could say the majority of them got sucked out of the hanger after the ray shields were shot off, well okay, but then where are all the other ships? All I’m seeing is a couple boxes and some transports, but other than that, this place looks more empty than an actual hanger on earth today.
But who cares about that? Lightsabers! Zuuuuuuuu! zuuuu!!!! zuuuuuuuuuuu!!!

So, they kill all the droids, R2 manages to locate the Chancellor on the very tippy-top part of the ship, which you would think would be the first thing to get shot off in a space battle scenario, but, whatever, I’m not an engineer. I guess it was oh so important to build an observation deck on a war flagship. Cause you know, when you want a good look at things while people shoot at you and ships could potentially collide with that thin part part of your hip that make it look like a rifle that’s upside down. (what you don’t see it?)



And goodness me! It’s been a while, time for more groan-worthy dialogue!
Anakin: “I sense Count Dooku.”
Obi-Wan: “I sense a trap.”
Anakin: “Next move?”
Obi-Wan: “Spring the trap.”
Alec: “Great advice! I’ll tell the Rebel Alliance in the future to use that! Nothing could go horribly wrong if THAT happened!”

Oh and apparently R2 is still in this scene because…they need him to stay with the ship? Well they give him a communicator because…why didn’t the Jedi Council send more Jedi than these two? Hell, why couldn’t you send a Special Ops squad to escort them or something? You know, have one guy hack computers or something? That would be useful, of course this would be a much different movie.
And if it were much different, chances are it would be much better.

But whatever, the two go through the ship as we finally get a glimpse of our secondary antagonist for the movie. General Grievous, quite possibly the one character in the Star Wars series that had the most promise as a badass character, only to prove himself to be the most useless and pathetic villain since Ruby Thursday.
I mean, yeah, he looks cool and all, what with that look of death and yellow snake eyes or something, but actually think about how pathetic he is in this entire movie, it’s enough to make you think that including him was one big waste of time.
After all, these were Lucas’ exact words to his art department when they showed him concept art drawings for this vaguely described character:
“It’s gotta be threatening, it’s gotta be something, I don’t want him to be Darth Vader-like.”

By the way, a fun fact; you know who was originally going to voice General Grievous?
Gary Oldman.
No, I’m not kidding.
So why didn’t he?
Again, remember Lucas’ tissy-fit with the DGA and WGA? He couldn’t hire people who were part of the Screen Actors Guild either. So yeah, the actors in this movie were not members of the guild and, as such, were not protected against the usual union safeguards to ensure actors get a fair trade for their work. 
The voice actor instead is Lucasfilm employee Matthew Wood, who is NOT an actor, as I may remind you, he just worked in the sound department. You can probably tell because instead of a compelling villain, we have a gruff voice that sounds like somebody just tried to learn how to smoke that very day they got into the recording booth and they tried to start smoking by smoking the entire cigarette carton.
I’ll delve more into him and his place in this film as we progress, but until that time, it’s elevator shenanigans time.

First, the elevator doesn’t work, so R2 has to turn it on while avoiding Super Battle droids as the Jedi duo get in the elevator, cut up droids and- Oh jesus, that’s their voices now? Oh Christ, if Skywalker Ranch did anything right with the prequels, the robot voices were top notch. They weren’t THAT irritating, but man these ones sound like they raised the pitch to make all of them sound cutesy and child-like, which is ridiculous if you ask me. It’s like if you changed Darth Vader’s voice after “The Empire Strikes Back” and had Kevin Hart voice Darth Vader instead of James Earl Jones. 
Yeah, it’s that noticeably jarring.
And speaking jarring, just notice how this “darker Star Wars” wastes four minutes to get the damn elevator moving, all to resolve itself with R2 setting some Super Battle Droids on fire and Anakin and Obi-Wan eventually making their way up to the observatory tower. With all the scenes that were deleted from the final cut that are just as equally time-wasting, it really makes you wonder if this was real the best Lucas could come up with in three years and a budget of $133 million.

And for what? Some comment about loose wiring jokes, is that supposed to be funny? In fact, what was the purpose of that scene? The characters, and by extension the audience, do not learn anything important to help progress the story. 
Here’s an idea; how about they just GO into the elevator and nothing happens to them as they make their way up? In fact, instead of having robot burning shenanigans, have our main characters have a moment of peace to prepare themselves as the two have a quiet conversation together about Anakin’s improvements as a Jedi since the last time they met Dooku but Anakin still feels unprepared to a degree to go up against him again, so Obi-Wan looks at Anakin and says “I wouldn’t want any other Jedi with me now than you, Anakin.” Anakin smiles at this reassurance as the elevator doors open up and they step out.
You know, something to tell us the audience that they are good friends, than a moment like this? As in character development?

So, 11 minutes into the movie, they finally find the Chancellor, who has a pretty nice view and rather comfy-looking chair for being a hostage. You would think the valuable hostage would be kept in a cold dark cell somewhere, but hey, just because these Separatists are kidnappers doesn’t mean they can’t accommodate comfort. After all, what if the man needs a stiff drink? Being kidnapped is stressful after all, the man might need a massage.
Also, not really a nitpick, more like an observation, but why does Ian McDiarmid look like Colin Mochrie? 



Man, I would love to see a version of Star Wars where the Emperor breaks out into a Whose Line Irish drinking song with Count Dooku, Darth Vader and General Grievous. It’d be as pointless as that elevator scene, but damn it, that sort of scene alone would be worth the price of admission.

But before we can feel any comfort that they would get him and leave, (after all, it has BEEN 10 minutes and so far, I know so little about these characters they might as well be cardboard cut-outs for all I know) the carry-over villain from the last movie now making a glorified cameo arrives, the late Christopher Lee, and somehow, the CGI to put Sir Lee’s head on a CGI body looks even worse this time around than just CGI’ing his head onto a stunt-man’s body; jarring as the latter was, at least the body looked real enough. Also, dude, why flip over the railing? There were stairs RIGHT there, dude. 
Chancellor Palpatine: “Get help, you’re no match for him, he’s a Sith Lord.”
Obi-Wan: “Chancellor Palpatine, Sith Lords are our speciality.”
Alec: “I think you just missed the more obviously blaring question, “Get help?” From where?!! We’re on the enemy ship and we’re the only ones who came here! Who are we gonna ask to fight Count Dooku? General Grievous? Those battle droids? Ze Nazis? Space Jesus?”
Count Dooku: “Your swords please, we wouldn’t want to make a mess of things in front of the Chancellor.”
Alec: (thinks about it) “Okay.” (drops sword, pulls out a gun and shoot him as he falls over like a chump) “Wow, that was easy. Thanks for the advice!”



Sadly none of us are that lucky for a movie to end in 12 minutes as the three whip out their lightsabers and do the usual bight saber biz-nezz as Dooku potentially breaks Obi-Wan’s airway passage, his back and potentially paralyze him by dropping some platform on his legs as Anakin kicks an old man- I mean, a CGI creation until Anakin finally disarms him, literally. Gotta admit, for just having his hands cut off, Dooku really takes it like a man, no screams of pain, no crying like a baby in the corner, give the mans a show of hands every- oh…I’m so sorry dude…
Palpatine: “Good Anakin, good!…kill him. Kill him now.”
Alec: “Yeah- wait what?! That’s a little extreme, don’t ya think?”
Anakin: “I- I shouldn’t…”
Palpatine: “Do it!”



And I guess that one “Do it!” was all the encouragement Anakin needed because he doesn’t even give a second thought as he brutally decapitates an old man.
…well dang, 14 minutes of annoying kid-friendly shenanigans and only NOW do we get something dark? Not that I’m complaining, I’m a sick f*ck myself, but this comes out of nowhere and it only further denotes Anakin’s character, or what little he had. it’s just…weird that the movie make this sharp left turn in the tone when for the past 12 or so minutes, it’s been slapstick goofball antics and then, BAM! Someone’s head goes flying. By the way, I just noticed this but look at Palpatine’s restraints, those things are so large he could easily slide his arms out! Seriosuly dude! You could have slid your hands out and gotten away before the Jedi ever arrived! Or maybe that chair was just too comfy to leave…

Palpatine: “It is only natural. He cut off your arm, you wanted revenge.”
Alec: “He did?! When did Anakin ever say that?! Was this in-between movies? Did Anakin at any point in the last movie or before this movie started say “I’m gonna make him pay for cutting off my arm!” Besides, it’s well-shown in this universe that losing limbs is no problem, you get a robot arm that is far more advanced and responsive to your nervous system than the prosthetic arms we have today! If anything, Anakin should have thanked Dooku for giving him an excuse to have an arm that he can put in hot water and never burn and don’t get me started on Padme’s metal fetish…

Palpatine: “Now we must leave, before more security droids arrive.”
Alec: “What, you mean the ones that Anakin and Obi-Wan cut down like butter all the time with aim worse than Stormtroopers? Oh yeah, God help you if more of THOSE arrive.”
Of course, Anakin, despite just brutally cutting off someone’s head, at least is nice enough to check if the probably paralyzed Obi-Wan is all right.
Palpatine: “Anakin, there’s no time, we must get off this ship quickly before it’s too late.”
Alec: “Too late for what? The ship flying off? It could have done that anytime these losers were onboard and escaped with you and them onboard and by the time they got to you, they’d be across the galaxy already.”
Anakin: “He seems to be all right.”
Alec: “Seems to be? Are you sure? Cause the way he hit his back on that platform should have at least snapped his back.”
Palpatine: “Leave him or we’ll never make it!”
Alec: “In the words of Obi-Wan. “Patience. Use the Force. Think.” Seriously, chill the hell out dude. I’m surprised a ship like this doesn’t have a security alarm system that has been going off since these two assholes got here.”

By the way, the great and feared General Grievous in all of this, what does he do?
Apparently command his crew to attack when, again, he ought to get the hell away front eh planet while he can, cause I’m pretty sure that’s how kidnapping works. You don’t kidnap the president in your Jeep and get into a cruise liner when you’re making your escape, f*ck’s sake, for a general, his strategy is so amateur.
Anyways, Grievous’ ship and some random Clone ship come into contact and start firing volleys at each other like it’s some kind of pirate attack, I’m disappointed that none of the clones tried swinging onto the ship on ropes with swords in their mouths or wore eyepatches. What? This movie had R2 setting robots on fire as they slipped around on oil, seeing THAT image would have been more believable than what happens next.
Which is the ship starts to go down, like, a large space ship flying around outside the planet’s atmosphere and gravitational pull starts to go down as if there is gravity that far off the planet’s surface to make that happen. Yeah, I’m calling BS on it.
In any case, this causes the interior of the ship to tilt like it’s the f*cking Titanic as Anakin and Palpatine climb into the elevator shaft and walk down while R2 falls down the hanger area because, as we all know, gravity works that way on a space ship that obviously has it’s own artificial gravity so the crew doesn’t float all over the place. Meaning, R2 shouldn’t even be falling, he should be just fine and be able to move.
2001: A Space Odyssey made more sense with it’s artificial gravity than this movie and they used camera trickery to sell you they were in space and had low gravity! 


So as the ship is, I repeat, FALLING NOSE FIRST, the ship manages to stabilize above the atmosphere of the planet as Anakin grabs ahold of a wire just before sliding down the elevator, just as Obi-Wan wakes up.
Anakin: “Easy, we’re in a bit of a situation here.”
Alec: “Oh that’s just putting it lightly. Also, missed opportunity for a Die Hard reference Lucas…unless this IS the Die Hard reference…”
But then the elevator comes down and, well, do you need me to say it? Stupid bullsh*t happens and we get some cutsey image of R2 covered in droid bodies trying to make his way out.
Okay, can we stop for a moment, three minutes ago, a man was decapitated on screen, you can’t just switch back immediately to child-like goofing off and expect audiences not to remember that. It’s both childish and it causes serious tonal whiplash.
I mean, this would be like opening “The LEGO Movie” with a burglar breaking into the house of the kid and smashing the whole set with a baseball bat while beating the kid senseless with said bat as he steals their valuables and leaves as the kid forcefully drags himself back to keep playing with the Legos. You wouldn’t ignore that, that would be stuck on your mind throughout the whole film, even when all the batsh*t colors and animation insanity goes haywire.

So after that tensionless stunt, our escaping heroes are caught in a ray shield.
Obi-Wan: “Wait a minute, how did this happen? We’re smarter than this!”
Anakin: “Apparently not.”
Alec: “Well considering what you’re running around in, how could you even tell it was there? I mean, there’s not one real set in this entire movie, there’s green screen everywhere, how could you tell where one spot was from another?”
Anakin: “I say patience.”
Obi-Wan: “…patience…”
Anakin: “Yes. R2 will be along in a few moments and then he’ll release the ray shields.”
Alec: “That’s a smart plan, an even better one? Just cut the floor you’re standing on. You’d drop down to the next floor and then find some stairs to get back up to the hangar.”
Well of course they don’t do that, instead R2 is thrown inside as they are all surrounded by battle droids.
Obi-Wan: “Do you have a plan B?”
Alec: “I do. It’s the only way I’m getting out of this movie!”


So the three are dragged right to the command bridge to meet General Grievous, instead of, you know, him meeting them.
General Grievous: “…that wasn’t much of a rescue.”
Alec: “Well hey, they probably wouldn’t have been so successful if you just activated the ray shields earlier or just disabled the brakes on the elevator and dropped them to their deaths like ANYONE ELSE would have done.”
And apparently this feared and evil Jedi-Slaying General is SO wise and tactical, he just shows them where he’s keeping their lightsabers…in his cape…man, that’s like showing off you have the BFG 9000 hanging over the fireplace to your archenemies and then walking out of the room to go get some coffee for him.
And just like your archenemy, it doesn’t take long for Obi-Wan and Anakin to break out, again by having R2 cause a distraction and by distraction, he just, acts annoying as Obi-Wan and Anakin use the force to grab their lightsabers and free themselves. So if Grievous just put their lightsabers away and out of their reach, these two…had no actual escape plan, got it.

General Grievous: “Crush them! Make them suffer!”

Alec: (mock General Grievous voice) “I, the great Jedi-Slaying General, would help you, but my cough is really affecting my performance today and I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night, but good luck with that! Hope they die first before you!”
Also, he’s apparently SO good a general, he orders the other droids to just stand at their stations rather than, I dunno, take out guns and shoot the Jedi while they’re distracted while their backs are turned- okay, how the HELL did this idiot become a general when he’s making such idiotic choices, which he demonstrates yet again after the Jedi have killed his bodyguards and he tells the other droids to “not bother, keep the ship in orbit.” Dude! Why stay in orbit around the very planet that has sent all of hell after you for stealing their leader? This is like kidnapping the president and driving circles around the White House! How can you be this stupid?!?

So naturally the Jedi start killing all the droids as Anakin and Obi-Wan corner General Grievous who, rather than engage in what could have been perfect demonstration of his skill to have made him so feared and fiendish, just breaks the window to the cockpit and flies out into the cold vacuum of space where if the lack of oxygen didn’t make his eyes explode, the frigid cold would have at least froze up his organic parts before he even got to say “oops.” But instead of dying, he makes his way back inside and fires off all the escape pods; which seems like a terrible design choice to include a control function on your own ship to fire off all the escape pods from just one pod, thus leaving Anakin, Obi-Wan, R2-D2 and Palpatine to try and land a cruiser, a feat made all the more difficult when he back-side of the ship breaks away, oh dear, I hope that section doesn’t hit any important buildings down below. The manage to at least keep the ship level enough as they enter the atmosphere where there are flagships that arrive, not to shoot them mind you, but to extinguish the flames on the ship. I mean, it’s not like this ship belongs to your ENEMY and said enemy could be attempting a kamikaze attack on an important building on Coruscant, no, no, it’s on fire and you should help them get to their target to potentially kill lots of people! You don’t know if the Chancellor is on there or not, so for all you know, that could be a ship trying to make a suicide run and you should open up the door and roll out the carpet for it!



Obi-Wan: “Landing strip, straight ahead!”
Alec: (is about to say something but stops himself) “Nope, nope…google it, not gonna go there…”
Anakin: “We’re coming in too hot!”
Alec: “No, not going there either.”
Either way, how lucky are Obi-Wan and Anakin that not only did they land this broken ship not on a building or a factory that could explode if they landed on it, but how lucky that this airstrip doesn’t have a single ship or pedestrian or airport employee standing around as they landed here. I mean, dang, that’s like winning the lottery after getting a full house in Poker just before you look down and find you stepped on a four-leaf clover and tripped a leprechaun who just happened to be carrying gold at the very moment you learned your girlfriend isn’t pregnant. Nobody can be THAT lucky, dude, just saying.
Obi-Wan: “Another happy landing.”
(canned sitcom laughter with cheesy music)
“The Obi-Wan Kenobi Comedy Hour will return after these messages!”

-Elsewhere-

(we cut to a dark room with a single chair and a figure sitting in it, obscured by the darkness as another figure enters)

??: "My liege...a terrible thing has happened...HE has started..."

Dark Figure: "I am not so blind...I was watching his twitter feed when I saw it come up..." (holds up an iPhone)

??: "What must we do then, my liege?"

Dark Figure: "Our time to strike is pre-mature...send the wannabe to take out the masked jerk...only his annoying ranting will slow him down..."

??: "Yes...my liege..." (turns to leave) "Oh, I can't seem to access the Netflix to finish watching Clone Wars, what was the password again?"

Dark Figure: "JarJarBinks4Ever. All one word."

??: "Thank you, my liege." (leaves)

-Continued in Part 2...-

Poster card art = :iconjarvisrama99:

Yes, I know I promised a video review, but I couldn't get the tech right how I wanted it, especially with ally eh computer crashes. So, to commemorate the release of The Force Awakens, here's the long-awaited nitpick of Episode 3.

Your angry hate comments are expected to follow.
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Hexidextrous's avatar
"Absolutely, but as a fan, I feel that I should at least be mature enough to look at the things I love and admit the things I love have problems."

Yeah, just because you're a fan of something doesn't mean you have to like everything that comes from it without preference. That's not being a true fan, that's being a blind Sheepish Fan.