Things I Learned From: Silent Hill Revelation

Things I Learned From:
"Silent Hill: Revelation"

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Sometimes, we learn things from movies; how to comfort others when they're sad, how to fight off the bad guys, or how to woo the ladies (or guys, I don't judge). But sometimes, movies present important lessons that one has to question on a regular basis whether the lessons these movies teach are good messages. So, in an effort to point out these lessons, as well as to make people crack up, here are the lessons I learned from 2012's film adaptation of the popular horror video games "Silent Hill Revelation."

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-The alarms going off the second the movie starts should be a warning to anyone that you should probably leave the theater while you still can.

-"Revelation" is the most overused subtitle in movies' since "Resurrection" and "Beginning." Don't believe me? "The Butterfly Effect 3: Revelations," "Hellraiser: Revelations," "Apocalypse II: Revelation," "Star Wars: Revelation," "Pokemon 2000: Revelation Lugia," hell, this even crosses over into video games, take another popular horror video game series "Resident Evil Revelations," "Assassin's Creed: Revelations," "Tomb Raider: The Last Revelation;" you get my point.

-When you're running from trouble, run into Rob Zombie's Carnival.

-Forget guys in hockey masks or dudes with chainsaws, the most threatening thing to scare you is a large pink bunny that looks at you.

-Let Pyramid Head operate the Merry-go-Round.

-Replace the fake horses on the Merry-Go-Round with dudes who are into BDSM.

-"You cannot defeat me. Do not go to Silent Hill." Sure, whatever you say weird pale goth chick, I wasn't even planning on it.

-Set people on fire to prevent them from riding the Merry-Go-Round. Geez and I thought Eric Cartman was mean when he just locked everyone out of his amusement park.

-Be woken up by Sean Bean.

-A nightmare within a nightmare? Call up Christopher Nolan, I think we have an idea for a sequel.

-Do a Jump Scare with a pop tart…this is gonna be a loooooooooooong movie, isn't it?

-Eat said pop tarts with spoons.

-Question your own name to your father even though "Heather" is a pretty average name that shouldn't be a problem.

-As a birthday present for your 18 year-old daughter who keeps changing her name, give her a sleeveless vest, that's funny, I use to wear a lot of those back when I was in Jr. High. My favorite was the blue one cause it had pockets inside the vest and I would carry my books and pencils around the school with them.

-Point out your dad's grey hair and have him blame it on you.

-You want to avoid saying the same thing you said in her dream? Okay then: "I dunno. A little paint, some flowers, some throw pillows, a-"

-"I'm careful, I'll be fine." Don't say that, it's like saying "Who's there?" in a slasher movie.

-Without your daughter's permission, look through her diary and tear out a page.

-Talk to a picture of your wife and then have some trippy conversation with her in a mirror.

-Tell your daughter her mother is dead to avoid telling her she's trapped in a mirror by some evil cult or whatever. At this point I'm reminded why I prefer "Silent Hill 2" since it wisely dispensed with the whole cult idea and just made it a more personal story.

-Stare at a homeless man to avoid getting on the bus.

-Talk to strange people who ask for your name cause they recognize you. I recognize her too, she was in "The Great Gatsby."

-If you're a teacher and it's clear your new student doesn't want to talk about themselves that much, pry them for more information about themselves, even if it makes them uncomfortable.

-"Do you get all your clothes from Goodwill?" Considering the area this school seems to exist in, I wouldn't be surprised if that's where everybody got their clothes and why isn't the teacher correcting this rude student?

-"…I don't think there are any original thinkers in the room…" I could say the same thing about the director, Michael J. Bassett.

-"Are you kidding me? I can't follow that." Sure you can, you're in "Game of Thrones," you can boast about the many conquests you've done.

-"Burn the Witch!" That's a strange class motto. I'd prefer to go with "We found a witch! May we burn her?"

-Apparently the dress code for this high school has gone back several centuries.

-Also the janitor has done a horrible job maintaining the school.

-Oh wait, there he is, though he seems to lack arms and a face. That would explain why the school looks like crap.

-Get pulled out of that hallucination by a guy who looks like Ziggy Sobotka from "The Wire."

-Ask a girl you've only just met today out for coffee.

-When someone you just met at a bus stop today is seen in front of the school, don't call the police, call your dad. You don't even have to give them your real name, especially since you've had so many.

-For the next birthday party you go to, get birthday balloons that say "Happy Birthday ________" and plaster any name you want on it so you can celebrate two birthdays at once.

-Eating human flesh at a birthday party? I'd hate to see what the party favors are.

-Walk into an "Employees Only" door when strange men who find you at a bus stop and stalks you to your school finds you.

-Apparently in this room there is some big bald guy who looks like he came off the set of "Hostel" cutting meat off some guy. Oh so THAT'S what McDonalds puts in their happy meals!

-Threaten a private investigator who could have introduced himself when he first ran into you.

-The Order of Valtiel? Sounds more like a club for steakhouses to try really good steaks.

-Try to avoid getting your fingers removed by some creature that looks like it escaped off the set of "Saw" or from the video game "Clock Tower."

-Never leave a minor character alone in an elevator when a creature who was about to attack you disappears.

-You want to really f*ck around with somebody? Turn off the lights behind them.

-Hide in a utility closet…oh my God, this movie really sucks…

-If you're a police officer looking through some dead guy's wallet, loudly announce your findings so all the nearby witnesses can hear you.

-"I can't tell you because I have no idea what's going on in my head right now." I don't either and I've played the damn games.

-Travel on a subway with a creepy guy looking at you and the guy from "Game of Thrones."

-"Do you think there's a difference between dreams and reality?" There is, it's called "a totem." It can either by a spinning top or a loaded die.

-"My life's complicated enough." when did this guy bear an Irish-sounding accent and would you like to tell the class why your life sucks? No? Well okay then.

-"There are no suck things as dreams. Just endless realities just piled on top of each other." Damn it, I already made an "Inception" joke.

-"Some people see monsters…" but if you've made your peace, then the devils are really angels, freeing you from the earth. How do you like that? I made a movie reference to the movie that inspired the games.

-The f*ck? When did it start snowing?

-"But at least I'm real. Or I think I am." well, if you think, then therefore you are. Hmm, I don't think I'm really learning anything from this movie, I'll have to try harder.

-Cockblock the guy who was actually being nice to you.

-Don't call the police if you come home and find "Come to Silent Hill" written in blood on your wall. Well, at least the wall got that lick of paint.

-Well here comes the first major problem with the movie: you have people telling you not to go to Silent Hill and you are being threatened to go to Silent Hill even though you have no idea where it is.

-Pull down a box that your dad has been hiding bearing a symbol similar to that on the wall. How did she know about this box?

-Tell the guy you originally told to piss off to help you when the police arrive.

-Read a letter left by your father telling you to not go looking for him or come to Silent Hill, which Heather doesn't seem to know where it is anyway.

-"Silent Hill was a prison colony built on ground taken from Native Indians." Someone was obviously watching "Poltergeist" that weekend.

-"Sounds like one of those crazy doomsday cults" as apart from all other cults that aren't about doomsday and a child being a vessel to cleanse the world anew?

-"The town was cursed by a demon child, her name's Alessa." So wait, is Silent Hill the cause of angered ancient spirits from a Native American burial ground or a curse of a demon? Make up your mind movie!

-Pyramid Head is apparently Alessa's guardian and executioner…okay, I know I wasn't going to try and rub in the fan boy thing in with this list, but I really need to address this. Pyramid Head was a symbolic representation of James' sexual frustration over his wife and the psychological need to be punished or 'executed' for his sins he committed. There really is no purpose to have Pyramid Head in this movie except that he's the most recognizable video game monster and people wouldn't know this was a Silent Hill movie unless he was in it.

-If you get tired, pull up to the nearest seedy motel you can find.

-Despite being warned by your dreams, your dad, some private investigator, your dad's notes and this guy you just met today who all tell you to not go to Silent Hill, insist on going to Silent Hill.

-"I don't have a choice." No, actually you do. I know you really care for your dad, but if you really loved your dad, you would do what he says and flee. In fact, book a plane trip to Europe to get as far away as possible.

-Never question how a guy you just met today who was born and raised in Silent Hill managed to even leave Silent Hill.

-Don't kick the guy who was picked to bring you to Silent Hill and insists you don't go to SIlent Hill even though you just met him today.

-"Why did you take him? Why not just take me?" "Because you have to return of your own free will. Taking him, they knew you'd follow." Why is that a rule? She didn't exactly come of her own free will last time, she was driven there. These rules of Silent Hill are bullsh*t.

-So wait, the only way to be freed is to bring together some evil demon thing that has half of it's essence living in some teenage girl and then kill it? What a brilliant plan, why not just pour holy water all over her while you're at it?

-Don't call room service if your room starts to dissolve and peel off the walls and bleed to reveal a leftover set from "Saw II."

-Ask a guy who seems to know a lot about this demon business and get the answer that he doesn't know what is going on.

-Watch this guy you just met today and learned he came from Silent Hill get attacked by that thing from "Clock Tower."

-Don't put on a hat or cover your face for all the ash and smoke around.

-Never question why an area that is so dangerous and once used to house people isn't under quarantine by the government.

-Question why she didn't go to this Asylum first before going to SIlent Hill to get this other half to an amulet that this guy she met today told her to go get.

-Meet a woman who is apparently responsible for giving birth for a demon spawn or whatever and not shoot her or heed her advice and leave.

-"Alessa was special, she was the only one that could survive the fire, that's why she was chosen." Is it because she had some demon thing in her or was it because her father was The Human Torch…or Hellboy.

-Oh, well that's not true, cause she still burned up, so I guess surviving fire doesn't mean still retaining your hair and skin.

-If you're dying, place the innocent part of you into a newborn child so she can be kidnapped later in her life and then forced to grow up and have a sucky childhood.

-At this point, recognize that you are 45 minutes into the movie and what should be the climax is in basic screenwriting structure is actually Act 2, but clearly disregard that rule since the screenwriter/director has done that already.

-Also at this point question if Alessa had killed everybody in the last movie or not if there are still people in this place or if they had come from a different dimension or not, only to just throw any questions or comparison to the last movie as it is clear the screenwriter/director has done that already.

-Leave an orphan baby on a orphanage doorstep out in the rain.

-If a creepy woman tells you to run while this church starts to dissolve behind you, hesitate to do so.

-Don't question why a birthday cake is there and with lit candles.

-Enter a room full of mannequins that are just sitting there waiting to jump scare you. Too bad they're not mannequins like in "Condemned, Criminal Origins." Those will get under your skin.

-Don't question how a mannequin can breathe and turn it's head towards you when it clearly lacks arms.

-Find a naked woman on a table and watch her turn into a mannequin.

-Try to save a woman from this CGI creature looks like they just combined the Split Worm from "Silent Hill 3" and Scarlet from "Silent Hill Homecoming."

-"Where did you come from?" A good question indeed.

-Apparently don't use the gun you took with you on this giant monster thing.

-Make no effort to try and save this woman you just met a minute ago.

-Question how a woman who looks more pale than than chick from "Hellboy II: The Golden Army" can bore a child that looks like Ziggy Sabotka.

-Coincidentally leave the warehouse and come across the Asylum you may or may not be looking for as you weren't exactly told which Asylum you were looking for.

-Never question if this Asylum is still in use why there is no security here.

-Never question why a safebox containing all these keys to patient cell rooms isn't locked.

-Shine a light on a pale man who has no eyes or nose.

-Finally remember you have a gun.

-Get locked behind in a cell by not putting something between you and the door to ensure you don't get locked inside.

-Get locked in said cell with a blind Malcolm McDowell, a wise lesson indeed.

-Hold half of an amulet in front of a blind Malcolm McDowell expecting him to know what it is.

-The Seal of Metatron? So the only thing that can defeat a demon is a Decepticon then?

-Shove the other half of an amulet into your chest and restore your eyesight.

-Use a handgun to blow a man across the room.

-If you've transformed into a monster and you're carrying the other half of a demon spawn thing over your shoulder, make no effort to stop her from reaching into your chest and pulling out the other half of the amulet.

-Use a flashlight that I'm quite certain you dropped earlier.

-It's good you have the Seal of Metatron, but do you really know what to do with it?

-If a guy with a large pyramid mask comes walking down the hallway of a prison cell block, stick out your arms and lose them for no reason except for the shock value.

-Take your patients to a room where a bunch of faceless nurses stand around in awkward positions until someone enters the room.

-Come more prepared if you can't trust the nurses in this room that will attack anyone that ins't in uniform.

-Never question why the nurses don't attack you but just assume their eyesight is based on movement.

-Run away even though these nurses don't feel like leaving the operating room.

-"Your dad would want you to leave." "You don't know that." Did you not read that letter your dad wrote to you?

-Have horrible memories of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies."

-Let the guy you only just met yesterday kiss you and run off distracting the gas mask dudes from "My Bloody Valentine."

-Experience Deja Vu.

-Apparently when Pyramid Head isn't chopping off prisoners' arms, he's running the Merry-Go-Round.

-"Daughter, Sister, Self." The sequel to the popular book "Eat, Pray, Love."

-Hug the evil demon thing until you absorb it…or something...

-So that's the end of the movie then right? No, didn't think so...

-"Why me?" For God's sake, you'd think she has short-term memory loss or something, haven't you been listening to anything anyone has been saying?

-"It is your destiny." Well, let's quote "Young Frankenstein" again: "DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT'S FOR ME!"

-Question if they want to be free of their prison, why can't they just leave since it's clear they if they can send Jon Snow outside.

-Use some mystical amulet thing to dissolve a woman into that thing from "Clock Tower."

-Pyramid Head Vs. The Scissorman should have it's own spin-off movie.

-Let Pyramid Head leave, so long Deus Ex Machina that was only in the movie because it's the only thing that people actually remember from the games.

-"I can't leave." "what? why?" Yeah, why? You said yourself this place was just a place of lost souls.

-"This is my task, you've done what you had to do." Are you for real? Who was the one telling her to stay away from Silent Hill all the time?

-"You understand why I have to do this?" No, I don't, you lousy parent. I know she's 18 but come on! You just moved and she's still in school with no paying income! You deadbeat parent.

-Order some guy that your daughter met two days ago to look after your daughter even though the two barely know one another outside of just specifics like name, age and relation to Silent Hill.

-Hitchhike a semi truck with a piano playing for the soundtrack, just don't run into Bill Bixby.

-Travis Grady? You mean from "Silent Hill Origins?" Oh you son of a-

-A police convoy entering Silent Hill as the fog and ash return? Oh you cheap-ass lazy motherf*ckers, "Silent Hill Downpour" came out seven months BEFORE this movie did!

-Speaking of which, where can you possibly go? Weren't you being hunted after by the police for a murder? Where could you possibly go?!

-Ending titles that remind me of the opening to "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo."

-Post credits teaser shows Pyramid Head still dragging his giant Final Fantasy Buster Sword.

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Final Rating: 1/5
This is really bad.
I mean, REALLY bad.
For everything I said about the last movie, it makes the last movie look like "Citizen Kane."
At least the last movie's director understood "Silent Hill," it's clear from the get-go this director just doesn't get it. He seems to get the visual look of Silent Hill 3…for the most part, but most of the time, it feels like he's just throwing in what the fans liked from the games and threw them in just to appeal to them. Ya know, like what Paul Weak Sh*t Anderson does all the motherf*cking time with the "Resident Evil" movies.
The plot is nonsensical, even by Silent Hill standards which had an ending where you could have been kidnapped by aliens. The actors are boring next to wooden, the music is a bizarre combination of the original games' score with some industrial metal thrown in. The visuals looks nice and they definitely have that decayed Silent Hill feel, but I can't help but come under the impression the movies was more inspired by "Saw" than Silent Hill.

Don't see this movie, or the original movie for that matter. Just go play the video games, an HD collection was launched recently, go blow some cash on that thing, or a better idea, watch the movie that inspired the franchise, 1990's "Jacob's Ladder." While I personally don't think of it as 'scary; I do think it has a remarkable level of atmosphere that's very unsettling with profound poignancy to it's themes of death. This movie is horrid. It's not scary, it's not clever and it's clear that Michael J. Basset knows practically nothing about this series if he had to resort to asking the fans for ideas for this movie.

Skip this garbage and go play the actual games.