Transformers Dark of the Moon Review Special

Transformers Dark of the Moon Review Special

"I don't accept my business the way it is, to be honest. I don't like what it's become. I don't blame anyone for it becoming the way it has. It's got its own hideous natural progression, just like world events."
-Rupert Everett

sigh*…Why? Just, just why am I watching this? I gave up on Transformers after Revenge of the Fallen, which, ironically enough, was my first movie review. It was the first one that kickstarted my criticizing path and led me to this long journey that's led to me being attacked by Avatar fans to Star Wars fans. But I was requested by a good friend and co-writer/artist AlphaBeta90, to review this….sigh* well, I guess I might as well, as this would mark my 110th review (yes, I'm counting "Best of" lists to my count), which seems fitting I suppose, to revisit a film franchise that got me started on this website…and it's a movie I have no interest in whatsoever…so much for that Cult Corner special for the zombie movie "Dead Snow" but hey, let's chalk this bitch up so I don't have to review it in the future. Here we go, to commemorate 4 years of putting myself on the front line for you ungrateful and uncultured bastards, "Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon."

Before I actually begin this review, I have to make this joke pertaining to the title, ahem*
"And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear,
you shout and no one seems to hear.
and if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon."
Well, now that I got that out of me, let's begin.

The movie opens up IN SPAAAAAAAAACE oh wow, another recycled joke from one of my reviews. how about that? We are shown Ridley Scott's leftovers as the voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) who explains how long ago on this planet called Cybertron, there was a civil war of Autobots, good robots who fought for freedom, and Decepticons, who fought for tyranny. While this long and drawn out action scene commences, the first question of many pops into mind: Why are the Decepticons fighting for control of a planet when they're no different than the other robots? Once they kill all the opposing robots, who would they have left to dominate over? Whatever, Exposition Prime explains there was a ship that was carrying precious cargo that would have changed the war making an escape while being chased by other robots in a scene that reminds me of another painful movie in a trilogy, "The Matrix Revolutions" as the ship manages to escape but not before being damaged by rockets as it floats into space for what could no doubt be years to come in between the time Transformers would be on their planet before coming to earth, but no, it cuts to New Mexico in 1961 (Mr, Bay, you do realize that the Roswell incident took place in 1947 right? Oh wait, you're not going with that angle because that would be too stupid it would make sense). Anyways, some guys trying to get into the "Apollo 13" sequel notice the transformer ship, somehow making great timing to come all the way from Lord knows where in the galaxy only to land on the moon, contact the NASA director and let him something landed on the moon, which the Pentagon makes this a priority to tell Mr. Kennedy, who, for some reason, appears in black and white digitally only to appear in color and played by someone who looks nothing like him, nice continuity there Bay. Mr. President makes it firm that they must get to the moon in five years, but it instead takes them eight years, what, with Mr. Kennedy getting assassinated in '63 and Vietnam War on the rise, of course certain priorities have to be set on.
Anyways, the Apollo 11 is shot into space, editing in CGI shots of the Apollo 11 ship with actual 1969 NASA footage, the hell, am I watching Apollo 13 or am I watching Transformers? But Michael Bay, reminding us this is his movie, insults historical accuracy by showing that there was a break in the signal, which didn't happen seconds after the Landing, it occurred a few hours afterwards, and Bay does his best to make the Moon Landing look more fake than the Flash Gordon serials (I guess he wanted to piss off the Moon Landing conspiracy nuts). Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin (I suppose) take the momentary signal breaking to enter and explore the giant ship, right away, I'm getting the impression that the movie might go "Alien" on us. But thankfully, Mr Bay at least has some regards to actual historical accuracy as he the astronauts return home, but never discuss that the whole point of the moon landing was to spend 20 minutes looking at a giant space ship full of dead robots that nobody could notice with a telescope back on earth.
Yeah…..then it cuts to the opening title only to cut to…a Victoria Secrets' commercial? Oh crap, Shia LaBeouf is back playing Sam Whitwicky and so is….Not Megan Fox?
Um, I'm sorry Miss but, who the hell are you?
I have no idea, the movie goes to explain that after the events of the last movie, the government not only managed to cover up the events of the Autobots and Decpticon battle, but they gave him a friggin' medal and paid for his college tuition and he hooked up with the british playboy bunny on the spot…right…oh and she's so horny for him that she tries to have sex with him, on the sink, all while he's complaining about not having a job and we find out that ugly little deception that survived from the last movie is living him, oh, by the way, it looks and sounds nothing like it did in the last movie, continuity?
Oh wait, apparently the Decepticon that was in the last movie is in this, he was just left outside in the rain with the dog as Sam has to explain that he should keep his sidekick under control, wait, sidekick? I don't remember this thing having a side kick in the last movie. Who is this thing? Well, guess what, the movie doesn't say quite yet. You know Bay, the reason you have these opening scenes is to give exposition and shed light on characters that we knew before and introduce newer characters. Right away, I'm given two characters I have never met before, given some backstory to one of them and yet just one sentence to explain the other one, both of whom, I know not their names. Thank you for making my life a living hell movie…13 minutes in, you're really trying to get me to leave early, aren't you film?
So Sam leaves his really sweet-ass apartment to get a job just as his parents, who are not on pot this time around, thankfully, appear dressed in green for some tour or whatever, wearing green track clothes…why? I'm not caring at this point
So they talk, Sam's dad apparently keeps prodding that he doesn't have a job, dude, your son is out of your house, why the f*ck should you care? He drives a car that looks like Bumblebee, as his mom continues to bring up, just as the car breaks down and the parents, reveal they brought their shnazzy black sports car along with their bus…..oh yeah! Because when my grandparents go cross-country, they ALWAYS bring their Ford Pickup along in case they need to give me a lift to a job interview, makes perfect sense.
As a voiceover by Optimus Prime explains, Earth has seen much change since their arrival, not really, looks about as sh*tty as it did the second you arrived. They also reveal that they help the humans with their own international problems as they cut to an illegal nuclear arms factory as the Autobots drive over to the plant, the guards let them in, not once questioning why there is nobody driving the cars as the red car transforms in front of them, not doing the awesome wah-wah-wah Transformer sound by the way, as we cut away to some radiated school in the Ukraine where some American soldiers who I think were in the last movie but I really could care less what their names are, meet with some European guy as they walk through this school, watched over by a Decepticon, as they walk though the rejected "Prometheus" sets and discover a box that contains something as they are attacked by something that reminds me of The Matrix Revolutions again.
The Worm thing grabs this orb thingy and goes outside, only to run into, who else, Optimus Prime, who didn't come with backup, but came with a trailer that transforms into a weapon cache where Optimus has a shield and sword, stuff that he had before, but whatever, time for finicky action interlaced with horrid shaky cam with quick editing!
Wait, no, the worm disappears before anything cool can happen. Asshole…
Optimus says that was Soundwave….wait, Soundwave is now a giant worm?…. anyways he states that the bad guys were after an engine core or something from an Autobot space ship as this vulture Decepticon just shoots this European guy that I didn't learn his name.

Sadly, the movie has to torture us some more so it cuts back to Sam Witwicky stuck in a shnazzy car with his parents, giving the same look I am giving while watching this movie by the way, as we get a montage of Sam going through his job interviews while "Sweet Emotion" plays over and Sam shows us that he is being interviewed by some of the worst people in the business world. I would have used "Have a Cigar" by Pink Floyd if I was the movie's music choice director- okay, I'm sorry. Pink Floyd reference.
So Sam runs into- oh my God, it's John Malkovich, Jesus man, wasn't there a Saturday Night Live episode you could be doing? His performance isn't any better, he's practically chewing the scenery. I mean, wow, this is bad even for John Malkovich, who actually was in a movie where he played himself being controlled by John Cusack.
Anyway, through some insane babbling that even makes me confused, Sam lands the job of mail duty, but he doesn't want that job because "he wants to matter" dude, grow up, you have a job in the most illustrious business firm that works with major players in business, even if it's not that great a job, you should take advantage of it and F*CKING TAKE IT!

Back at the Autobots' secret base, we are FINALLY given the names of the Autobots just so we can forget about them again later, like the red ferrari is Dino, the silver corvette is Sideswipe, the blue Mercedes-Benz is Que, who talks like a Rabbi and makes sh*t for the Autobots like he's Q from James Bond, very subtle Bay, there's, of course, Bumblebee, Ironhide and Optimus Prime…There's some bitchy woman from the government or whatever that Optimus yells at without his low monotone that they lied to the Autobots that they knew nothing about other countries with robot technology as she introduces them to- NOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!! Buzz Aldrin whyyyyyyyy???????? You could have said no!!! I know Michael Bay made Armageddon and that this seriously had a lot of money backing it, but Goddamn it man, why did you say yes to this cameo?!?!?!?!
Anyway, he has this look on his face of an old man who walked into a room and was told there was something there when there really wasn't and he was told to pretend that there was, as Optimus just casually says it's an honor to meet him even though just seconds ago, he was pissed off and he now in a good mood. Anyways, blah, blah, conspiracy, conspiracy, Optimus explains that the ship was called The Ark and no, it doesn't have the power to activate the Halo rings, but it instead has some power that would have won the war on Cybertron and that it's captain and main inventor, Sentinel Prime, was on board and Optimus says that they have to get to the Moon, ASAP. I hope that cameo of Buzz Aldrin was worth the budget guys because it was about as important as John Malkovich's cameo.
Back with Sam, who goes to find his british girlfriend in this large white building that has all these cars…groan*…he tells her he got the job as this asshole who is no doubt the "douchebag boss who hits on the main character's love interest" that you commonly see in movies as he plays the common douchebag game "my cock's bigger than your cock" by showing off his accomplishments. But I don't care about any of this sh*t, I wanna see some Transforming robots beating each other up Goddamn it!

Oh crap, where was I? Oh that's right, the Autobots are going back into space to land on the dark of the moon even though light is shining on them as Optimus Prime and this green Autobot called Ratchet enter the ship and find the body of Sentinel Prime and they state that his life signs are fading, he's been on that damn ship for 40 years, how can they be fading? We then cut to…Africa? uh….what? Oh, we do see some animals to remind us it's Africa as we cut to the semi truck from Mad Max as it transforms into Megatron, wearing an arabic hood while he stands on a white sandy area and yet cuts back constantly to these animal reaction shots, said animals are on grassy plains, GOD, the continuity is just stunning…or the lack thereof.
We see Megatron (Hugo Weaving), the leader for the Decepticons, taking care for some disgusting green robots as he meets with Soundwave, Starscream and Laserbeak, that bird-like Decepticon from earlier, as they discuss that the Autobots took the bait as he orders Laserbeak to destroy all the evidence, which leads to this horribly edited shot of Laserbeak killing people, offscreen of course.
So we cut away from something we give a damn about only to return to something we don't give a damn about, seeing Sam deliver mail around the office, his girlfriend comes into work to bother him with, what else? Reminding Sam of her boss' cock being bigger than his cock, John Malkovich ruins the moment as this asian guy makes things really awkwardly and unsubtly tells Sam that he knows who he is and his ties to the Autobots and- okay, this is tying too hard, his name is Deep Wang, ha ha, he even does me the favor and makes a Pink Floyd reference though he never mentions where he got this information from but he gives Sam a manifest and he walks away, over-acting as he goes….at this point, I've stopped hoping for a good performance from the humans when they're even more stiff or over-the-top than the robots from the show…which I never saw…
But we are shown that the crazy asian guy is being threatened by Laserbeak and he dropped off those papers to warn Sam…why he couldn't have been more subtle about it, like maybe just brought him lunch and said "enjoy the dessert" and secretly hide the manifest to him? I don't know, but it's clear Michael Bay doesn't want a subtle performance in this movie.
Speaking of unsubtly, John Malkovich tells everyone to keep working despite someone just DYING in front of the building and Laserbeak, instead of being subtle and waiting to tail Sam when he's not at work, attacks him in the office, which gives Sam ample time to run away, get his girlfriend and rive to the Autobots HQ.
He has trouble as he throws a fit with some security guards who discover the tiny Decepticons in the back seat and he has a fight with one of the guards, Geez Sam, calm the f*ck down! (insert "Airplane!" Get a hold of yourself joke here)
After some sh*t, he's finally allowed inside, naturally he acts like a passive aggressive dick in front of the bitchy lady from FBI or CIA or whatever but that's ignored to move onto Optimus Prime putting the shiny thing from the last movie into Sentinel Prime; said shiny thing they call in this movie The Matrix of Leadership, nice, where's The CPU of Harmony or even better, The Javascript of Truth?
So Optimus Prime wakes up Sentinel Prime who attacks Optimus with a sword that the Military didn't think to take away as he starts babbling about these pillars on his ship that have the power to act as a teleportation wormhole array to transport refugees or weapons or supplies and he demands they be returned or be made sure that the Decepticons never get their hands on the Bridge technology. Well, seeing how these humans couldn't hold Megatron captive in the last movie, I really doubt they can do that right. By the way, is it just me, or does the voice of Sentinel Prime sound familiar? Eh, I'm sure I'll think of it as I go along
Sam argue with the bitchy FBI lady that he wants to be special and not work a mail job, God Sam, would you just get over it?! Everybody wants to be the center of attention but you have to go with a job, be it good or bad, where you can pay your f*cking rent!!!
She tells him to piss off as his girlfriend says that he's been a hero…no, no he hasn't missy. Optimus Prime has done more heroic sh*t than this asshole who just whines and complains all the time, he goes home and whines some more to Bumblebee and he wants to find out why the Decepticons are killing off people, which leads to us going to…oh wow, Bill O'Reilly's in this pile of vomit? Seems kinda fitting if you ask me…hearing him argue with John Turturro about how the world doesn't need Autobots, sorta amuses me only for how much I loathe Bill O'Reilly and his "I'm not gonna let you speak your mind or finish your sentence" thing he usually does, but Mr. Turturro clearly seems to be overacting even more than John Malkovich possibly could. I mean, Christ, was this REALLY the same actor who appeared in "Barton Fink," you know, that Coen Bros. movie that's rich with metaphors about life and society that I sorta liked and sorta didn't like? I think I reviewed it too. If you told me the actor from those Coen Bros. movies was in this flick, I'd laugh out loud in your face. But now…just wow Mr. Turturro, you're dead to me...
Meanwhile, in Egypt, I guess, Sentinel Prime and Optimus Prime talk about sh*t as Optimus tries to give him the magical Matrix of Friendship but Sentinel rejects it, saying that he can't lead anybody because he knows nothing about Earth. Okay, why IS this guy's voice sounding so familiar to me? I just can't place my finger on it…I know I've heard his voice before from some Science-fiction related media about space aliens that came in the form of a TV show and was made into movies, one such adaptation released in 2009, but I just can't figure it out…hmmmmm……..
Well, no time for that, we're back to Barton Fink and Sam Wikipedia as they search for the worst musical to make on Broadway- I mean, search for the connection to all the murders made to look like suicides and the connections this crazy asian guy had- oh criminey, John Malkovich's back to stare at something that's not actually there and he's in the same room with John Turturro, so long as as these two don't speak to each other, the universe won't blow up.
John Turturro: (sees John Malkovich fighting Bumblebee) "Did he eat a lot of paint chips as a kid? He's a freak."
Me: you're one to talk after that display of Cannes International Prix-winning acting not too long ago."
John Malkovich: (falls over as Bumblebee points his laser gun at him) "tee hee! Stop! I'm ticklish!"
Me: "he's pointing his F*CKING GUN AT YOU! I DON'T THINK YOU'RE GONNA BE TICKLISH FOR LONG!!!!"
John Turturro: "Sir, we are having a pretty high-level alien intel confab here, that I don't think you're cleared for, errand boy."
John Malkovich: "Yeah, you're right, it's a bitchin' robot-"
{Universe explodes instantaneously}
Me: "oh great job Michael Bay! You just made the universe blow up from two great actors over-acting over a toy product, you've made white the contribution to humanity today…
So more stuff happens as Sam's british blonde girlfriend enters the room and angrily storms off to go to a party, carrying this large fluffy toy bunny, gee, I wonder if it has some importance, as we learn that she had a brother that died, in this pandering of crap that is supposed to act as character build-up, the two break-up, totally unconvincingly by the way, and she just tears off the bunny's foot and gives it to him…well, I guess it did have some resemblance of symbolism I guess as they mentioned this earlier, but right now, I'm caring less, either give me some robots fighting, or give me a totally different movie Michael Bay!

So after that poor excuse of a break-up, Sam Wikipedia and Barton Fink go spying as they discover some Russian astronauts were originally supposed to be sent to the dark side of the moon before the project was mysteriously shut down, did it ever occur to you guys that maybe Sputniz ran out of money for astronautical science? They follow them into a Russian bar and Barton Fink chews the scenery until they're finally allowed to see Soviet Russia's darkest secret, that in 1959, they sent Luna 3 ship to take pictures of the dark side of the moon, naturally, they find nothing (well, what do you expect to find on a side of a moon that is covered in darkness?) but in 1963, the Luna 4 discovered some drag marks with the Autobot pillars in a pile, leading to the conclusion the Decepticons got there first and hid the pillars from the Apollo 11 mission.
Shia LaBeouf: "That doesn't make any sense."
Me: "Hey look! Characters actually examining a fault in logic!"
But in all seriousness, it really doesn't make sense. If the Decepticons came to earth in 2007, this ship came in advance around the early 60's, by this movie's logic, it's saying me these Decepticons were already on Earth but just didn't attack it until the Autobots arrived…just cause and they waited 40 years with the hope that Optimus Prime would come to earth, with the hope that he would have the Matrix of Friendship and hope that the Autobots would work with the government to go get Sentinel Prime. That is a LOT to buy movie, that is a LOT to buy!
Sam warns the CIA bitch of this plan but his convoy is attacked by Decepticons and, instead of transforming, the Autobots just keep driving on as they watch the Decepticons go after Sentinel all while Sam yells at them to do something instead of keep driving, I'm just as confused too Sam..
The next few minutes is just the same action scene we saw before of transformers fighting on a highway while the Decepticons flip cars over to halt the Autobots from following even though the Autobots can transform, which is shown in a scene that is actually pretty cool, Bumblebee transforms, throws Sam out of himself as, in slow motion, they flip over a damaged truck and Bumblebee grabs Sam and then transforms back into a car with Sam safely inside, screaming through the whole thing. I won't lie, as stupid as that was, it was also really cool, though why Bumblebee has to stop when they are still following the good guys, I have no idea.
More slow-motion action commences as we get an overhead camera shot of two Decpeticons being flung onto a car and…is that blood coming out of their mouths? This movie is weird…
The robots have a Mexican stand-off, they drop their guns only to be "Psyche, Heil Hitler!"'ed by the Decpticons who throws pointy sharp things at them.
Back at the Secret HQ, Sentinel transforms and- holy sh*t! Sentinel just shot Ironhide and reveals he's working with Megatron! Wow! That is actually a pretty good twist! Which could have been saved for the last 30 minutes but still! Dang! Credit given where Credit's due! Well done Bay! Well done!

So Sentinel shoots up the hangar area while Miss CIA Bitchypants yells out "what the hell is going on here?" oh, well you see, Sentinel Prime is just throwing a tea party…a tea party of DEATH!! Sentinel takes the pillars and drives off as Optimus FINALLY arrives, wondering "what the hell? am I late for Sentinel Prime's tea party?" as Sam runs back home and looks for his girlfriend, who it's NOW I discover her name is Carly. He goes to bug his parents, who I thought were finally out of this movie as we are forced to sit though a painful few seconds of his parents explaining that relationships aren't' always hunky-dory, which could have been avoided if he just mentioned the Decepticons are back and going to take over the world again. But no, they just stretch out this really unfunny scene of Sam Wikipedia arguing with his parents about relationships. as he states that "she's the one" Are you sure Sam? She has the personality of a block of wood and she only keeps you around cause you have a penis, how do you even remotely know she's the one for you?
Meanwhile, Sentinel picks the perfect location to open up his stargate, the Reflecting Pool between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument as Megatron spews out exposition that years ago, Sentinel Prime left with The Ark so he could defect from the Autobots…why?…and that he was supposed to meet with him on earth…wait, why?…if I recall correctly, his ship was shot and he crash landed on the Moon in earth, was that part of your plan? To meet with him in advance? Then what the f*ck were you doing in-between the time Sentinel ran away to when you came to earth Megatron?
Anyways, he shoots the Lincoln Memorial cause….he needed a hard marble chair that's not at all comfortable on his ass, as Optimus Prime, instead of shooting Sentinel's hand on the trigger, just yells at him, which proves ineffective as he just pushes the button anyway and the stargate is activated as the robotic whalers on the moon wake up from their 40 year long coma and jump into the stargate to do bad stuff.
The Decepticons take the forms of any vehicle they can find as they drive away as Optimus battles with Sentinel, demanding to know why Sentinel betrayed them.
Sentinel: "On Cybertron, we were gods! But here, they call us machines!"
Me: "uh…dude, on Cybertron, everyone was a machine, there wasn't anything different about you guys except for color and size. Now here on earth, you have a better chance of being called gods here on earth than on Cybertron dumbass. Oh and Sentinel is so stupid, he lets Optimus live, come one Sentinel, Bad Guy Rule of Thumb #1: Never let your nemesis live, he/she will just come back to ruin your evil plan.

Meanwhile, Sam walks over to the mansion of Carly's boss and collects his girlfriend from her douchebag boss and her douchebag boss reveals that his father worked for NASA and he makes this unsubtle comment about "picking a right side…" wait…no…no you're seriously not hinting that- (Carly's car transforms in a Decepticon as Douchebag boss stares evil-like) oh my God they are….this douchebag is working with the Decepticons….just…just….No….just no…
So Douchebag explains that the Decepticons came to his dad after 1969 and made him book the accounts and claim that space travel was too expensive, hence why there were no more moon landings after 1972….Bullsh*t.
This is wrong for two reasons:
Reason 1: This would mean, in continuity, that the Decepticons and Laserbeak came to earth in the 1960's, BEFORE Megatron and Optimus Prime arrived in 2007, and they somehow convinced this one asshole in accounting that space was too expensive and this somehow changed the minds of everyone during the 70's and 80's, which is even more bullsh*t since during the 80's, Roland Reagan instituted his crazy "Star Wars Defense Program" of the 80's and to have MORE rockets blasted off into space!!!
Reason 2: They stopped sending people to the moon because a bunch of accountants made sure space became too expensive? It's a little more complicated than that idiot! The reason the Soviet Union dropped out of the Space Race was because it couldn't keep up with America after their successful moon landing and they focused their budgets to making weapons so they could continue to take other countries and spread their communist influence. America? They kept sending sh*t to the moon, in fact, they moved their attentions to further outward! THAT is we kept trying to send people to the moon! The last successful one was the Apollo 17 mission, afterwards, the focus moved to going to Mars, so American sent satellites to scan the journey and the far reaches of space. In the 80's, the focus became atmospheric testing, NASA fired off astronauts into space to test orbiters, Columbia was a success, Challenger was not. This not only insults Areodynamic history, this insults NASA's efforts.
F*CK YOU MICHAEL BAY! JUST READ A BOOK FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!
So moving on. Douchebag plants a spy watch on Sam while threatening to kill his wooden block of a girlfriend as Sam, stupid enough to realize that there are more fish in the sea, agrees to spy on them as Sam threatens to kill Douchebag, Obvious foreshadow. I also have to ask, if Sam was really loyal to the Autobots, you'd think he'd crush his own wrist to destroy the spy and stay loyal to the Autobots, sure, it owed cost him his girlfriend but you know what they say, there's more fish in the sea and plenty of which, are much hotter and more fully developed women than Carly.
As Decepticons begin to envelop the planet, Sentinel Prime sends a threat to the world leaders for the demand of the Autobots to be sent to them all while Sam, very unsubtly and over-the-top wise, tries to get himself removed from the HQ all while Miss CIA Bitchypants explains their plans to send the Autobots off the planet by means of a big-ass rocket ship. Well, I think I can see why NASA had to make cut-backs this year.

Barton Fink returns in a wheelchair as he reveals that he used to be in a relationship with Miss CIA Bitchypants, using dialogue that, of course, real people never use in real life. The Autobots arrive to get on the space ship as Optimus is still emo about trusting Sentinel Prime as he says what is supposed to be deep but really makes little sense; "Remember this. You may lose your faith in us, but never in yourselves." as he just casually explains that they don't have a plan to fight back, thus making the whole spy watch on Sam's wrist subplot, completely useless, Bumblebee says goodbye and Sam cries like a bitch as Barton Fink just monologues "years from now, they'll ask us, where were you when they took over the planet?"
Me: (in a George C. Scott voice) "well son, I was in Louisiana shoveling shit."
The next morning, the ship blasts off as Sam calls Douchebag and Douchebag reveals that he intends to blow up the space ship anyways, as Michael Bay recreates the Challenger explosion (look Mr. Bay, just because you made "Pearl Harbor" doesn't mean it gives you permission to make another Apollo 13, in fact, I'm convinced. Michael Bay wanted to make a movie about the Challenger shuttle accident with big-boobied astronaut ladies and testosterone-heavy dudes with over-bloated explosions but when the studios said no, he retaliated with this movie.)
So we get this whole look of shock from everyone as they see the shuttle fall to earth and- yeah they're not dead, you're not fooling us Mr. Bay. Fool me once with Sentinel being the bad guy, fool me twice with Douchebag boss working for the Decepticons, fool me three times, not this time Bay. Not this time.
So Sam has Barton Fink's sidekick track the phone call and, thankfully Douchebag has his phone out instead of his pocket, he manages to track it to Chicago's Trump Tower, ooh boy! Is Donald Trump working for the Decepticons as well? Hey, since Bill O'Reilly made a cameo earlier, does that mean HE'S working with the Decepticons as well? You know, if they went with that angle, I would have seen that twist coming. Sam declares he's going to save his sex doll blow-up, I mean, his girlfriend and this black guy who I guess was that black guy in the last two movies goes along with him because, as he says, "that asshole killed my friends too," sigh* pull it together Alec, there's only an hour left to suffer for….
So in some clumsy line of exposition, Douchebag reveals that the Decepticons want to use the transporter to take all the humans on earth and take them to Cybertron, where they cannot breathe as it has no oxygen I assume, and use them as slave labor to forcibly rebuild Cybertron. But that's okay, they're actually going to do something far more illogical and transport their entire planet here instead…that doesn't sound right.
Carly: "What's Sentinel doing here?"
Me: "what the f*ck do you think he's doing here you stupid girl?! He's gonna activate the transporter! God, you are making your fellow blondes look bad!
So in a series of bad editing and constantly cutting to black (seriously Bay, a major film studio shouldn't do that, FILM STUDENTS MAKE THAT MISTAKE! FILM STUDENTS!) we see the aliens from "The Avengers" appear just to blow up the city, killing off god knows how many people that is necessary for rebuilding Cybertron as Sam Wikipedia drives along with the black guy, collecting his pals as they just casually drive into the city that is supposed to be blocked off by the way, there's that lack of continuity again, as a Linkin Park song plays while we are shown shots of people suffering…so much for being subtle.
Back at the base, Barton Fink says my favorite sentence of this movie "this doesn't make sense" as he complains why they can't see what's going on in Chicago, but enough of that, time for the usual "we don't wanna do this job but some dumbs kid who's only going to get a piece of British blonde ass will motivate us to root for him." but that's ruined as Decepticons arrive just to kill more humans, which only further raises the question, if they're just gonna go and kill everyone, they won't have anyone left to rebuild Cybertron.
But out of nowhere, the Autobots arrive and mercilessly amputate an innocent Decepticon as Optimus Prime arrives saying that they wanted Earth's leaders to believe they were dead and that they were actually hiding in one of the booster rockets that fell to earth…that is a LOT of faith to not only make everyone think you're dead, but also not get yourself shot or blown up any earlier before the booster fell to earth and to COINCIDENTALLY know where Sentinel Prime has the core transporter control. Just wow, that is a LOT to buy movie, that is a LOT to buy!
Anyways, as the Autobots suit up and roll out, Sentinel Prime beats up Megatron stating that he will never work with him, seriously man, you have GOT to sort out your sense of priorities dude!
Meanwhile, Sam Wikipedia gets intuit he Trump Tower, coincidentally finds the right floor they're on and, instead of waiting for Douchebag to get rip-roaring drunk, he pops out and, instead of making good on his promise to kill him, just points the gun and demands where his wooden block- I mean, his girlfriend is as Laserbeak pops up and attacks, well, goes to show why thinking of a plan helps in situations like this. So he gets thrown out the building only be saved by Bumblebee as Carly jumps onto the flying ship thingy but Laserbeak attacks Sam but Sam manages to blow it's head off as Bumblebee makes a crash landing on the city streets and, instead of finding more Decepticons, they find the Autobots, but Douchebag Boss notifies Megatron as the black guys uses a military spy drone to describe the Decepticons' plans and their intention to blow up the building holding the control pillar. A bunch of military guys plan to just jump out of a plane and wing down, why do I get the feeling that someone could repackage this as an advertisement for The Army?

So as the military guys fly to Chicago, Soundwave, or Shockwave as the tiny Autobots state, pops up and FINALLY we get some much needed Goddamn action!!! As that goes on, the military guys get attacked by Decepticon drones and, despite some resistance, manage to jump out despite being attacked by some more Decepticons, and evade them as the other military group get into a building but before they can fire the rocket, the Decepticons begin firing on the building as it falls over, halting their progress even further when a Decepticon enters the building they're in as Sam tells his girlfriend not to move, good idea Sam, this is a little known fact, but Decepticon eyesight is based on movement. But instead of being patient and waiting for the Decepticon to leave, the military guys start shooting as they shoot out through the windows, slide down the side of the building, shoot the glass again, slide down the building floor, some falling out the building and, stupidly enough, alerting Soundwave (or Shockwave) of their presence as he summons the Sand Worm of Saturn to attack them which forces the building to fall over but thankfully get stopped by another building.
Just as the worm is about to attack them again, Optimus Prime arrives with a flying device as he shoots the hell out of the mechanical sand worm, only to get himself tangled in some construction stuff just as Sentinel Prime orders the Decepticons around the world to release the Pillars around the world and by "around the world," he seems to refer only to the ones in Asia as the pillars fly up to begin the process. Back in Chicago, Sam and Wooden Block get separated and are attacked by Shockwave…or is it Soundwave…or maybe Starscream?…See, this is what happens when you let someone who I doubt has even seen transformers try to make this and yet make it really difficult to identity the Decpticons from one another. I may have never watched the show but I am familiar that at least the Decepticons had some sort of color to let everyone know who's who, right?
As I was saying, Sam distracts…..named Decepticon robot that I don't know the name for….by using the grappling hook that Que gave them and- wait a f*cking minute! If they had these grappling hooks, why didn't they use them earlier when they were nearly falling out of the building?! God, am I the only one using my brain today? Well, considering that Sam shoved a bomb into….insert name of Decepticon because I don't have the time to check it out myself….eye as it's head explodes and Bumblebee arrives to save both Sam and the Military leader dude as Sam points out the obvious of…okay, I'm definitely checking it…..okay, so it's definitely Starscream. Why they couldn't have his name on a name tag or give him more features that makes him look different from all the other Decepticons, but then again, I'm not a multi-millionaire director who has probably never even seen the show it's based on.

So Military team 1 and Military team 2 join together to find a way over the bridge as the HQ fires off Tomahawk missiles at Chicago, chances of that succeeding: 5% oh wait, this is a Michael Bay movie….%100! Missiles Always have to hit something!
Navy SEALS arrive to back up the military group as Sam and Carly just watch the Decepticons hold the Autobots hostage as the Army people formulate an attack strategy.
Back up on the building with the transporters, Sentinel Prime makes this very, very, painful quotation:
Sentinel Prime: "How doomed you are Autobots. You simply fail to understand that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few."
All right, for everyone who has been wondering who voiced this character, I'll tell you, because I figured it out hours ago.
Leonard Nimoy voiced Sentinel Prime…
and for the non-Star Trekkies out there, Leonard Nimoy played Spock, the pointy-eared alien on the original television show "Star Trek."
At first, that sounds kinda cool, but the second that Leonard Nimoy even utters this famous phrase, Michael Bay has not only betrayed the Transformers media, but he has totally betrayed the Star Trek media.
I mean, I have never seen a movie that took a line so famous and totally threw it out of context from it's original meaning!!!
I know this is nitpicking but I really should bring this up: this line was originally stated in the movie "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan," a movie that is not only one of the best sci-fi films ever made, it's also one of the best sequels ever made. At the end of that movie, Spock, the alien science officer of the U.S.S Enterprise, sacrificed his life to enter the engine room and restore power to the warp drive, dying from radiation poisoning. As he laid dying in the engine room, a sheet of glass between himself and Admiral Kirk, their dialogue between each other reflecting this conversation Spock and Kirk had earlier about Kirk assuming command from Spock, here, Spock, with his dying breath, comforts Kirk and tells him that what he did was logical and that the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few or the one. This was the most shocking and emotional death scene ever made for a science-fiction film, sure, Spock came back to life in The Search for Spock, but focus on back in 1982. This was something that hit audiences, both fans and casual movie-goers and the line along echoed a powerful line of emotional thinking from Spock as he DIED to give his life for the sake of the crew.
THIS piece of sh*t? It just took such a powerfully written line and threw it out of context JUST because Michael Bay said "Hey, we got Leonard Nimoy to do a robot! Let's have him say that one line but not make everyone think immediately of Star Trek." Most F*cking illogical, jackass.
Okay, so after that…..line….Sentinel Prime gets the transporter device that The Avengers TOTALLY didn't rip off, as the two tiny Decepticons enter the heart of the Decepticon mothership as the Military HQ manages to lower the bridge and let the military guys cross the bridge as Douchebag boss tells the Decepticons to kill off the prisoners as they kill Que, who I feel no feelings towards since I barely knew him at all, and Bumblebee is about to be killed but the meddling by the two small Autobots saves Bumblebee as the little Autobots get to die on the mother ship, of course they do, just like they died on that space ship earlier…
Back with the Military, they set up teams to take care of some more Decepticons as they plan to attack Shockwave, oh so it is Shockwave…or is it?….anyway, they take him on, people get hit, bullets are fired, the Autobots join in and Sentinel Prime just spews more Villainous Overconfidence as he brings the Borg spaceship through the teleportation thingy.

Optimus Prime FINALLY decides to join in on the fight on the last 20 minute mark as he shoots and stabs Decepticons, even tearing out the one-eyed Decepticon's eyeball (yelling out "You die!" how casual a death cry) and firing a blast at the transporter's control pillar…well…I was expecting maybe an epic battle with Sentinel Prime and Optimus Prime over it but, whatever, crisis averted.
So the Battle of Primes commence as Sam, being a complete idiot, decides to run out and help while the military and Autobots rush and shoot and fight as they are flooded by Decepticon reinforcement but the Army saves the day by sending Tomahawk missiles that successfully hit the Decepticon reinforcements: remember kids, The Army is your friend! Join up today so you can battle fictional robots and lose your lives and limbs for a questionable cause set up by your government to spend large amounts of money!
So Wooden Block goes over to Megatron, who is just sitting around doing nothing…remember when this guy actually did something? I sure don't…Sam Wikipedia runs into Douchebag Boss who, for some really stupid reason, is still trying to to be evil and start up the pillar…WHY?!?!?! Dude, if the planet is destroyed, you can't be rich anymore since the world would just be a crater! Why are you still bothering to protect your investment when your client is planning to take over or destroy the world?!?! Either way, this leads to the two of them fighting each other in a game of fisticuffs but it only allows for Douchebag to activate the pillar and keep dragging Cybertron through. Meanwhile, Wooden Block runs up to Megatron and goads him into attacking Sentinel while his back is turned, just in time too, Optimus Prime wasn't looking too good, since his arm was cut off, but I think he can walk that off.
So Sam makes good on his promise and hits Douchebag with a pole that knocks him into the pillar that electrocutes him, why he couldn't have shot him with the gun earlier and saved us the trouble is anyone's guess but eventually, Bumblebee manages to destroy the Pillar, which causes…a black hole? Well, anyways, Optimus fights with Megatron and manages to rip his f*cking head off with an AXE; geez and I thought the Transformers Movie from the 1980's was gruesome…Sentinel Prime spews some more "I only wanted to save our race" crap before Optimus decides to show that "There can be only one" and shoots him point-blank.
So yeah, I guess the war is finally over, Sam Wikipedia and Wodden block hook up, again and Bumblebee has to act like matchmaker as he drops some gears to act as rings, Sam's right, slow the f*ck down.
Optimus Prime: "In any war, there are calms between storms. There will be days when we lose faith, days when our allies turn against us. But the day will never come that we forsake this planet and it's people."
Oh shut the f*ck up Optimus Prime, shut the f*ck up.

and with that ladies and gentlemen, the movie FINALLY ends…with some soft Linkin Park song…classy.

So there you have it Ladies and Gentlemen, "Transformers Dark of the Moon"
eh, it's not so bad.

No really, I didn't think it was that bad. Granted, every Transformer movie I've seen has just been "it's okay, I guess," granted, even I thought "Revenge of the Fallen" was just okay, nothing really great but I could see all the criticisms everyone had for it, namely the offensive "humor" and the clusterf*ck of editing they call action sequences. This movie, while the crass sex jokes that weighed the film down last time are kept at minimum, the movie does not improve on intelligence, believability, or depth. Like the last time, the characters we came to see, the Transformers, feel distant and in the background rather than the foreground where they should be fully developed and explored. Instead, we get a hero that's just a whiny asshole, a wooden block for a love interest, a Douchebag Boss for a villain who's only evil because he is. The Transformers themselves, however, are even less interesting since we barely see them, I complained in the last movie that I barely got to see Optimus Prime or Bumblebee, but in the case of Optimus Prime, there was at least a reason why. In this movie, the only reason why they're gone is just to pretend they're dead. That I understand, but if the movie wanted to actually get us emotionally invested, the movie should have spent more time with the Transformers themselves rather than this sissy wimp that we're supposed to identity with, which i can't since he sucks.
Just like the last time, the action scene are the most interesting and only reason you'd care to watch this movie anyway. But that's really the only reason you should see this movie. The writing is embarrassingly sophomore, which begs the question if these writers have even read a book about NASA or did any actual research before incorporating this whole Apollo 11 Moon Landing. The story was nothing to write home about, the characters are just cardboard cutouts to run around and stare at things that don't exist, the action can serve as a good distraction, but only temporarily.

My point is this readers; yes, this movie is really, really, REALLY stupid. But for all it's sins, there are some redeeming qualities that shouldn't hinder you from watching it, regardless of what I say. If you want to shut your brain off and watch a dumb movie, I would personally recommend "Flash Gordon" or "The Mummy 1999" but if you're curious, then I see no harm in seeing this film. Besides, I have seen far worse than this; in the 3 years I've been doing reviews, I've seen things from flying saucers confused for cigars, dog-sized killer shrews, tadpole people fighting off humans, Goblins turning people into green goop and eating them, an Elijah Wood mutant fighting giant crab monsters, princesses transforming giant swans, jedi knights battling with mutant rabbits, dinosaurs going to the magical land that doesn't suck, it's amazing how much as happened in three years and hopefully, I can find even more crazy things to run into and express with all of you to continue my love of film and to hopefully convince you to see some good stuff and wane you away from the bad.

I'm Alec and whether you liked it or not, I was your critic 110 times...







































well, okay, one more Pink Floyd line:
"There is no dark side of the moon really. Matter of fact, it's all dark."